The Myth, Mythos & Myths of the NRA (pt 4: The Usual Suspects)

THE GALLERY OF ROGUES

I’ve been more or less, (mostly more) kicking the NRA around over the first three posts. Then, as I started work on this episode, I realized I hadn’t even properly introduced you to the idiots I’ve been slamming.

The "mouth" of the NRA

The “mouth” of the NRA

Oh, you’ve probably heard of Peppy LePew, Wayne LaPierre. (Well, I was sorta right, although I think he’s also closely related to the Tasmanian Devil.)His official titles are: Executive Vice President (EVP) and Chief Executive Officer (CEO). His unofficial title is Munitions Merchants’ Motormouth (MMM) In that capacity, he’s all over the boob tube nowadays. (I was going to say he puts the “boob” in boob tube, but besides being an old joke, that’s actually complimenting him.)

However, he’s a bit of a letdown since their last public liar. But then again, how do you follow Moses, el Cid, Ben Hur, Brigham Young and Steve Leech all rolled into one?

Unfortunately, since Charlie “bought the big one” and they pried his guns from his cold dead hands, we’ve been stuck with this stinker.

I’ll have a hell of a lot more to say about him later on down the line.

Dave

Davy

You may have heard of former NRA President, David Keene. If you have, it’s most likely linked to his son.

Seems the boy has a problem with combining guns and road rage. The result was a conviction for attempted murder. On the bright side, that conviction did come with free room and board and all expenses paid as a 10 year guest of the state rock crackery. (Which officially makes him a member of the “47 percent” crowd.)

But, enough about the boy blunder. He did the crime and he’s doing the time.

Maybe you heard about Davy when one of his ex-wives (He has two exes, one not yet.) plead guilty in June 2011 to embezzling between $120,000 and $400,000. (She only got a year for her misdeeds, so in her case it looks like crime does pay BIG TIME!)

But, then again, Davy has been making his own waves in the world. From being Spiro Agnew‘s political assistant all the way to NRA President. Lotsa good stuff to snark about in a bit.

Big Jim

Big Jim

You might also have heard of James Porter II. If you haven’t, don’t worry, you will.

Big Jim is the brand new NRA President and he makes LePew sound like a moderate.

He’s been with the NRA for what seems like forever. In fact, he was “1st Son” back when his daddy was NRA President in ’59 – ’60. (There’s even a shooting trophy named after Jim’s dad.)

One of Big Jim’s first jobs was with an NRA legal council. He’s been on the BoD for over 20 years and has been 1st Veep since ’09.

And, as with the others, I’ll chronicle Big J’s trip through the Valley of Weird later.

But, before we really get to know the “Big Dawgs”, let me introduce you to some of the other pound hounds, starting with my personal favorite. (But then, I’m a little strange.)

The Ballad of Ted (Shriveled Dick) Nugent

I only shoot things that don't shoot backMay I introduce you to the poster child of the wing-nut loony fringe (gun-butt division): Theodore Anthony “Ted (Shriveled Dick)” Nugent!

You may remember SD from such hits as…… ……………………….hold on, give me a second here………….I know he had something……… what the hell was it?

Oh yah, “Catch Scratch Fever” bw “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”.

Back in 1977 they rocketed up the charts to #30, before rocketing back down to oblivion. “Scratch” was the AM hit, but how could we ever forget “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”?

Cat Scratch Fever coverWang Dang Sweet Poontang
That Nadine, what a teenage queen
She come to town; she be foolin’ around
She lookin’ so clean, especi’lly down in between;
What I like.
It’s all right

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang
A puttin’ me down as a rock-and-roll clown

Wang dang, what a sweet poontang
A shakin’ my thang as a rang-a-dang-dang in the bell
Down on the street you know she can’t be beat
She’s so sweet when she yanks on my meat
What the hell

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang

He was also the front man of a slightly better than mediocre metal band called the Amboy Dukes. (MC-5, they weren’t!)

But what he is also VERY famous for, is his creative and successful effort to dodge the draft. (Was Mr. Macho too scared to go to Viet Nam?)

“I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin’ and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin’ kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I’d drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.

See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin’ dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I’m gonna play their own game, and I’m gonna destroy ‘em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin’ awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I’ve always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded motherfucker. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn’t know and I’m vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was – ‘cause I was really into bein’ clean and on the ball – I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano.

So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn’t believe the smell. They were ridiculin’ me and pushin’ me around and I was cryin’, but all the time I was laughin’ to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, “Oh my God, put those back on! You fucking swine you!” Then they had a urine test and I couldn’t piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin’ up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin’ up. So I went home and cleaned up.

They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They’d call dead people before they’d call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know?” High Times”, Oct. 1977

(So, in answer to my own question, he was so scared, he shit his pants.)

20 some years later, Teddy Bear recanted parts of his story (the shitty pants parts). So, he’s a self-admitted liar. The only question was which story was the lie. (My money’s on the 2nd.)

He still poops up way too often. Initially I’d see him spouting the glories of guns and hunting. After all that “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang”, he must have developed one hell of a shriveled dick. (Hence, the nickname.) But lately, he’s squeezed past Hank Jr. to become the Bubbas’ favorite Obama-hating faux-celebrity. (However, Victoria Jackson still out-nuttys him.)

And, this is one of the people who the nutters think make perfect sense? WOW!

Oh! And, did I mention that the shriveled dick macho poseur sits on the NRA Board of Directors? Wang Dang Sweet Poontang!!

Speaking of that. (The NRA Board of Directors, not the poontang. Although……..)

In addition to the aforementioned shriveled dick, there are other board members you may be familiar with, some you may not, and some you may not but definitely should.

 

Among the other nutables (& 1 exception):

Olly North

Ollie (Arm the Ayatollahs) North

Oliver North (Of selling guided missiles to Iran fame.)

Ollie was the Reagan’s “go-to guy” back in the Iran-Contra Scandal. Iran-Contra would take a whole post to explain, so I won’t go into detail. If you’re curious (it’s an interesting (and very scary) instance of the abuse of Presidential power), check out this link.

Suffice it to say that President Reagan (good old St. Ronnie, hisself.) committed several crimes against specific laws prohibiting weapon sales to Iran and aiding and abetting the contras in the Nicaraguan Civil War, and then he proceeded to lie about it.

Several people, including the Secretary of Defense, the National security Adviser and numerous White House & CIA officials were convicted of crimes and pardoned (or pardoned before trial) by “Pappy” Bush. Ollie was indicted on 16 counts and convicted on three, but “Pappy” pardoned him as well.

St. Ronnie was never indicted or impeached because the President lying to the press and the public was not a crime. (Evidently, it’s a 1st Amendment right or something like that.)As to breaking the other laws and restrictions???? We do not send presidents to jail! (Just ask Nixon.)

Larry (Wide Stance) Craig

Former Senator Larry Craig (Famous in airport bathrooms across the nation)

Ol’ “I have a wide stance” is mostly known as a leading hypocrite in the war against gays as well as being a disgraced senator. (I was going to insert asantorumsnark here, but I decided I have too much class to commit such a crass act. Or do I?)

The Federal Election Commission is suing him over misusing campaign funds (to the tune of $217,000) in his legal defense.  (He claims he was on “official government business” in the bathroom.)

But, at least the NRA loves him.

Larry’s the recipient of the NRA Institute for Legislative Action’s highest honor. According to them, “Wide Stance” is an “eloquent and fearless champion of the 2nd Amendment“.

(Groovy) Grover

(Groovy) Grover

Grover Norquist. (I still think he was cuter on Sesame Street.)

Groovy’s life-long ambition “is to cut government in half in twenty-five years, to get it down to the size where we can drown it in the bathtub

He started out with the ’68 Nixon campaign (just like Roger Ailes) so we obviously can’t expect too much honesty out of him.

He was a big help to Ollie North in aiding the Contra rebels, he co-authored ’94′s “Contract with on America“, and he’s responsible for the “Taxpayer Protection Pledge”.

As if the cake needed icing, he’s also credited with securing Bush League’s nomination for the presidency.

That came in handy when he was the “arranger” for meetings between Jack Abramoff‘s clients and White House muckety-mucks.

He and Jack go back to 1981. Groovy was Casino Jack’s campaign manager when Abramoff was elected chairman of the National College Republicans.

"Teflon Don" Young

Representative Don Young  (“The Sargent Preston of the politically incorrect”)                    .

Donnie is a Repug Rep from Alaska that seems to have a large mouth, an even larger foot and a chronic case of Aphthae epizooticae (Foot & Mouth Disease). In his latest relapse, he said that Hispanic migrant workers are “wetbacks“.

He’s also said that environmentalists are “not Americans, never have been Americans, never will be Americans“. And, they’re “self-centered bunch of waffle-stomping, Harvard-graduating, intellectual idiots“. (I take offense to that. I do not go around stomping waffles!)

Along those same lines, he has repeatedly claimed that global climate change is a “scam” and the Deepwater Horizon oil blowout was a “natural phenomenon“.

And then there were his “butt fucking” comments to a high school student assembly.

Among his other claims to fame, our Donnie is the father of the famous “Bridge to Nowhere“. In case you were hiking the Appalachian Trail at the time, the bridge, at a cost of $398 million (plus, of course, cost overruns), would connect the mainland to Gravina Island (pop. 50) (Can you say “Pork barrel”?)

Oh, and btw, Donnie’s a “fiscal conservative”.

He’s also the most-absent member of Congress, missing 16% of the votes last session. That’s more than future(?) presidents Bachman & Paul.

And, he’s routinely included in the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics “most corrupt” list. (And the competition is fierce!) He’s also made an appearance on Rolling Stone’s “10 Worst Congressmen” list. (#3) (Although, he’ll always be #2 to me.)

In fact, on March 13th of this year, the House Ethics (Hmm…talk about an oxymoron.) Committee launched another investigation into his activities.

While former aides are currently vacationing at various “crowbar hotels”, Donnie’s gained the sobriquet “Teflon Don” because so far, he’s always managed to beat the rap.

But, don’t forget, there was a guy named John Gotti that used to have that moniker as well. (So, stay tuned corruption fans, you never know.)