The Theory of Evil-ution vs The Myth-ology of Creationism (pt 2)

People who don’t want their beliefs laughed at shouldn’t have such funny beliefs.

Welcome back and congratulations for slogging through pt 1. This part’s a lot more fun. Plus, it doesn’t get all science-y on you. (Well, maybe just a little bit.)

Creationist Claims

Hmmm……..Creationism?…….That’s the one with the talking snake and the invisible man in the sky that loves you and orders you to love him back (while simultaneously kissing his backside) or he’ll make you suffer hell for all eternity. Right?

(Or was that the Flying Spaghetti Monster? I sometimes have a hard time discerning the difference.)

But, I mean, it must be! The people pushing Creationism are Christian troglodytes.

(trog-lo-dyte: n. a) A person considered to be reclusive, reactionary and out of date. b) A cave man.) Both work in this instance, although cave men had bigger brains.)

These people believe that every word in the bible is direct from Yhwh’s mouth to your eye. (Think about that image for a minute or so.) Although, they can never quite agree which version of their mythology is the really, really, truly correct one. Btw, Yhwh is God’s original name.(*) (Early Semites didn’t know about vowels, among other things.)

(*) Actually, his earlier original name is אל, (“El”) from back in the day when he was head of the Canaanite pantheon. But since he’s more recognized by his Hebrew alias, that’s the one I’ll go with.

Yhwh was sometimes referred to as “He who must not be named”. (There are other similarities to Lord Voldemort as well.)

There you go again! At least half of Americans believe in Creationism. Admit it!

Well, 50% has been claimed but according to Gallup, the highest percentage reported for “strict creationists” was 47% and that was 12 years ago. In the latest poll (December, 2010) the number was 38%.

In the same 12 year span, believers in evolution (with Yhwh’s help) remained around 36-38%, while “strict evolution” believers about doubled their percentage.

Of the “strict creationists” in the last poll, 60% were weekly church goers and 50% were Republican. What was also interesting was that 47% of those with a high school diploma or less believed in Creationism compared with 37% among college grads and 22% among post-grads. (I’ll let you draw your own conclusions on this comparison.)

But remember, just because you believe or have faith in something doesn’t make it real. Millions of people have had faith in Zeus, Ra, Enki, Odin, Igwekaala and Joe Pesci. (Joe was George Carlin’s personal prayer answerer. George said Joe worked out the same (about 50/50) as any of the others.)

The sad thing is that out of 34 countries, only Turkey scores higher in evolution doubters. (So much for science education in the U.S.)

OK, back to the Jewish-Christian creation myth, which btw is a mixing of the Babylonian creation myth (Enuma Elish) (which predates it by several hundred years) with Sumerian and other myths from even earlier. In fact, the word Eden’s etymology traces back to the 2nd millennium BCE. It was an Akkadian word (e-di-in) meaning steppe or plain. The Akkadian empire, of course was based in Akkad (later named Babylon).

Most real biblical scholars believe that the Torah, i.e. the Pentateuch; i.e. Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy, was written on and after 621 BCE,

Since Moses was supposed to be born in 1393 BCE, no matter what the folklore is, he didn’t write the Pentateuch. That is, unless he was a schizophrenic writer and lived to be 1000 years old. The writing styles are very different in the various books or even chapters. (Genesis1 and Genesis 2 were not only written by different people, they disagree and contradict each other.) 

Speaking of Moses, that reminds me of a question I’ve always had. How come the Egyptians, who were among the best record keepers in the ancient world, never mention Moses, the plagues or all those Hebrew slaves escaping over a temporarily dry Red Sea?

Seems to me the events would have caused enough commotion to at least be mentioned. You know, like the death of the Egyptian “first-borns”. I mean, come on, somebody had to notice.

Then there was the time the earth stopped spinning at 1000 miles per hour, waited “a whole day” and then restarted. Joshua 10:12-13 It’s the damnedest thing, but nobody else in the world even noticed that either. (Not the Egyptians, not the Assyrians, not the Minoans, not the Greeks, not the Chinese, not the Mesoamericans, nobody!) Of course, if it really had happened, everybody would be dead anyway.

But, that’s later on. Right now, it’s Genesis time.

I can think of no better way to accurately portray creationists’ beliefs than to let the source material speak for itself. I’m going to use the King James version primarily because that’s the one I grew up on and the language is more poetic. Besides, all the versions are “GOD’S WORD“! We’ll go at it verse by verse with comments (snarks) where appropriate.


Chapter 1

1     In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. (You know, I’ve always wondered – where did Yhwh stand, sit, lay down or whatever when he did that. If neither heaven nor  earth existed, where in Hell was he?)

 2     And the earth was without form (So, it was like a gas instead of a solid? Or, what?) and void (void: adj. Containing no matter; empty. n. a. An empty space. b. A vacuum.) (Now I’m really confused! Big Daddy created the earth, but it didn’t have any form and it couldn’t be a gas because there was nothing there??? Sounds to me like he created a big, fat nothing!) and darkness [was] upon the face of the deep. (OK, the darkness I can buy, but if the earth was all a big nothing, how could there be a deep? Or a shallow for that matter.) And the Spirit of God (A disembodied spirit (ghost)? If I said I saw one of those critters, I’d be spending significant time hatching nuts at the state fantasy farm.) moved upon the face of the waters. (Waaait a minute! Where did the waters come from? We were just told there wasn’t anything there.)

 3     And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. (Just one quick question: If the sun, moon and stars hadn’t been invented yet, what the heck was the light source? A bunch of candles?)

 4     And God saw the light, that [it was] good: and God divided the light from the darkness. (Since darkness is the absence of light, what’d he do? Draw a curtain across the universe? Oops. Sorry, I forgot he hadn’t invented the universe yet. So what did he do and how did he do it? Or is this one of those “divine secrets” we’re not supposed to ask about?)

 5     And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. (Only fair. He who invents gets to name.) And the evening and the morning were the first day. (I’d congratulate the old boy on a hard day’s work, and maybe heaven was a chore, but earth was a big nothing so far.)

 6     And God said, Let there be a firmament (Firmament, if you’re not familiar with Middle English (I wasn’t) means sky.) in the midst of the waters (Again with the waters! I must have missed the part where it said he invented water.) and let divide the waters from the waters. (So…..he took a portion of the water he invented(?) and sent it off into space? Why’d he invent so much of it in the first place?)

7     And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which [were] under the firmament from the waters that [were] above the firmament; and it was so. (Ahhhh. Now I get it. That’s the explanation for rain. It’s water that got trapped up in space and is trying to escape back down to the bottom.)

 8     And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day. (A bit of confusion going on here. Yhwh created the firmament today and called it Heaven, but verse 1 said that he created Heaven yesterday. Which is it? Inquiring minds want to know.)

9     And God said Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry [land] appear; and it was so. (Well, that would explain those sea shells on Mt Everest, except that Yhwh hadn’t invented sea shells yet.)

10    And God called the dry [land] earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that [it was] good. (No snark on this one. Like I said, you make it, you brand it. And, it could have been worse. He could have named the dry [land] Fred. Then we’d all be living on planet Fred.)

 11     And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, [and] the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed [is] in itself, upon the earth; and it was so. (And there, boys and girls, we have the answer to an age old mystery. After all, if the herb preceded the seed and the tree preceded the fruit, it stands to reason the chicken preceded the egg. We’re still trying to figure out why he crossed the road.)

12    And the earth brought forth grass, [and] herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed [was] in itself, after his kind; and God saw that [it was] so. (Of course, that was the same day he invented poison ivy, oak and sumac, stinging nettle and skunk cabbage as well. This was not so good.)

13    And the evening and the morning were the third day. (If you think today was busy, just wait till tomorrow!)

 14    And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven (redundancy?) to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for season, and for days and years. (I’m going to hold off comment until days end, which is sundown, in case you haven’t noticed. However, keep in mind the last part of this verse.)

15    And let them be for the lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth; and it was so.

16    And God made two great lights;

the greater light to rule the day,

and the lesser light to rule the night:

[he made] the stars also.

17    And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

18    And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that [it was] good.

19    And the evening and the morning were the fourth day. (Today was light source day, probably because Yhwh’s candles were running low. Anyway, what really blows me away is that Yhwh created over 200,000,000,000 galaxies with an average of 100,000,000,000 stars each, just so we could have a calendar. And, he did it all in one day! Come on gang, that rates at least a standing ovation. Let’s hear it for the big guy.)

20    And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl [that] may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven. (So birds originated in the waters? Well, I knew that there are flying fish, but I never realized….)

21    And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that [it was] good. (Is it just me, or do any of you detect just a slight bit of hubris going on here?)

 22    And God blessed them, saying Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth. (If you think I’m going to insert a pic of animals having sex, sorry, but that’s too gross even for me.)

23    And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. (TGIF!)

       Ooo! Saturday morning. All my tiredness has gone away. (Oops, that’s Fats Domino. Sorry ’bout that.)

24    And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. And God saw that [it was] good. (Well, you got to admit, Yhwh was never shy about tooting his own horn.)

25    And God made the beast of the earth after his own kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth.

I’m going to interrupt for just a minute.

Sadly, many of the beasts, besides the dinosaurs, are no longer with us and deserve a brief mention.

Gone are the cockatrices: Jeremiah 1:17;


the satyrs: Isaiah 13:21;


the fiery serpents: Numbers 21:6;


the unicorns: Isaiah 34:7;


the leviathans: Psalms 74:13-14, Job 41 and Isaiah 27:1;


and the dragons: Malachi 1:3 and 15 other references.


Also missing in action are vampires (sorry Twilight fans): John 6:53-57


and the zombies. Of course, the most notable zombies, by strict definition, were Lazarus and Jesus. (That ought to stir up a hornet’s nest or six.)

Many of the modern versions of the bible have changed these creatures into more believable ones. Which begs the question: Which versions are lying? The older ones including King James or the newer ones? But how can that be since they are all “THE WORD OF GOD!!!”?

OK, back to the book.

26    And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness (OUR??? Is there more than one Yhwh, or is he going “royal” on us?) and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27    So God created man in his [own] image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (Which brings up another question: Did Adam & Eve have navels?)

28    And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply, (Hey! Yhwh’s pro sex? Do wingnut evangelicals know about this?…..Never mind! I forgot! It was they who invented the “Missionary” i.e. “boring” position.) and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. (Repeats himself a lot, doesn’t he? I wonder if that’s caused by the onset of alzheimer’s.)

29    And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. (So, being anti-marijuana is against Yhwh’s wishes? Hmmmm, The Rastafarians are right!)

30    And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein [there is] life, [I have given] every green herb (see Rastafarian comment). for meat: and it was so.

31    And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, [it was] very good. ( I swear, this dude’s ego is just not to be believed. Probably stems from a massive and deep seated inferiority complex.) And the evening and the morning were the sixth day. (Busy week!)

I’m not going to give the same treatment to the rest of Genesis. (This post would be longer than “War & Peace”.) But I would like to  make a few appropriate stops as we pass through.

 Chapter 2

You’ll be glad to know that Yhwh got to sleep in on Sunday. (Guess he didn’t have to be at church.) He’d worked all week, and he was bushed.

The first few verses are a recap of chapter 1. Except that the writer of chapter 2 forgot to coordinate with the writer of chapter 1, so there are several contradictions. I’d point them out, but I think I’ve beaten this horse to death already.

The rest of the chapter deals with the garden and it’s creation and location. The problem is that location doesn’t seem to exist. (Should have used “holy GPS” I guess.) Also, the subservient creation of womb-man is covered a bit differently than chapter 1.

Chapter 3

Enter the talking snake! And, did you know, not only could they talk (I wonder if they spoke with a lisp.) but they still had legs at this point? At least until verse 14: “Upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shall thou eat all the days of the life.” By inference, before then snakes didn’t crawl, so they had to have legs. Unless they just flew of course.

The snake spends the first few verses conning Eve into eating the forbidden fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. (I find it interesting that Yhwh didn’t want Adam and Eve to know the difference between good and evil. Or maybe he didn’t want them to know any version but his. Religions are like that. A lot! Then again, maybe it was just plain knowledge he was begrudging them. Religions do that a lot too.)

Anyway, Eve eats the fruit (Nowhere does it say it was an apple.) and shares with Adam. Why is it always the woman that screws it up? (Remember Pandora and her box? Same end result.)

Yhwh finds out and kicks them out of the garden. Well, at least they didn’t die that day like he said they would. Genesis 2:17 (Which means either Yhwh was non-precient, or he was a liar. Your choice.)

Chapter 4

This chapter tells the story of Cain and Abel. Christian, Jew or Muslim, we’ve all heard the story. I’m going to skip to verse 17 because I’m curious about something.

By this point, Cain had moved to the land of Nod. I always thought that’s where you went when you slept. But, it turns out that Nod is not a real location. It’s the Hebrew root of the verb “to wander”

And Cain knew his wife and she conceived, and bare Enoch” Wait just a minute here! If Adam and Eve are the parents of all humanity, where did Cain’s wife come from? She had to be his sister. (Can you say INCEST?) Evidently, this must have been the case for a few generations. (Nobody but family to dance the “horizontal mambo” with.)

Now, I’ve heard some creationists say that there was no incest. That Yhwh created special mates for a few generations so that Adam’s family wouldn’t have to indulge in that sin. The problem with that is that it’s not in the bible. And, according to creationists themselves, if it ain’t in the bible, it didn’t happen. (Plus, if Yhwh made people for sex, wouldn’t that mean that Big Daddy is really the original Pimp Daddy?)

The remainder of the chapter is all “begats” i.e. Enoch > Irad > Mehujael > Methusael > Lamech > etc.

Chapter 5

More begats with some very unbelievable life spans as well: 930 years (Adam); 912 years (Seth); 969 years (Methuselah); etc. Having a bit of knowledge of living conditions back then, I wouldn’t even believe 969 months (about 74 1/4 years using the lunar calendar.)

Chapters 6-9

And so, we come to our final stop. I only come this far because creationists use “The Flood” to explain away a lot of evolution.

Lets see……Utnapishtim (Noah) and the flood.

In the original Gilgamesh flood myth, it happened sometime before 2100 BCE. Jewish scholars place it in 2150 BCE.

That must have come as quite a shock to a lot of already existing bronze and iron age civilizations in Egypt, Ireland, India, Greece, Peru, Ukraine, China and a lot of other places. Funny thing is, every one of them forgot to mention it happening during their time. (Are you beginning to notice a pattern here?)

For those civilizations that did have a flood myth, the flooding always happened way back in their own distant past.

So yah, there are a lot of tsunamis and flash floods from various natural causes as well.

Some of the flood myths may be ancient tales of the flooding of the Black Sea. (circa 5600 BCE)

Another hypothesis proposed by the Holocene Impact Working Group, a group of very eminent scientists, (Google ’em. You’ll see what I mean. Not a hydrological engineer in the bunch.) is that a meteor or comet crashed into the Indian Ocean (around 3000-2800 BCE) creating the 19 mile undersea Burckle Crater and generating a giant tsunami that flooded coastal lands.

But, the problem for creationists is that there is absolutely no credible physical evidence of a simultaneous world-wide flood, and there should be lots.

Plus to cover the entire earth (including the Andes, the Himalayas, etc) the water would have to raise it’s level over six miles. (Where the hell did all that water come from? For that matter, where did it go?)

Then there’s the ark, which brings me to a couple of things I’ve always been curious about:

1) How did Noah round up all the world’s animals? (Penguins too? He must have taken a quick trip to Antarctica. Probably stopped off in Australia to pick up some kangaroos and wallabies on the way.) Oh! That’s right! He did forget all the dinosaurs! (Damn, why couldn’t he forget the mosquitoes as well?)

2) How did he get all those animals on one little boat? I mean, just counting mammal, reptile, amphibian and bird species, that’s over 31,000 pairs (62,000 animals) and that’s not even considering the over 1,100,000 species of insects and spiders. (They couldn’t survive under water all that time so they had to go along.) I’ll give him a pass on fish, although most ocean fish wouldn’t survive in fresh water because of homeostasis. (All that rain would dilute the salt content of the upper ocean to fresh water level. If they went low enough to escape it, the pressure would crush them.)

Plus, the animals had to be kept from eating each other so enough food had to be taken along to last at least 230 days for 62,000 animals, plus all those insects and spiders. (I am a bit curious as to what they fed the spiders.)

And, what about all that shit? 200 men couldn’t keep pace cleaning it up. And Utnapishtim, I mean Noah, only had his family along.

Now, it seems to me that a menagerie that size would require at least two or three Ultra Large Container Vessels (1300 ft long, 183 ft wide & 50 ft draft) (Those “little” containers on the ship are box car sized).

However, the dimensions of the ark: “the length of the ark 300 cubits, its breadth 50 cubits, and its height 30 cubitsGenesis 6:15. This is equivalent to a length of 487 feet, a breadth of 81 feet and a total height of 49 feet. (1 Babylonian cubit = 19.5 inches.) That’s about the size of a World War II liberty ship.

But, then again, maybe it was a magical ark, much like the tents in the Harry Potter books that evangelicals hate.

Anyway, that about wraps it up for this episode. There’s a lot more to be said, but I’m not writing a book, just a very long post. For more info, follow my links.

I’ve had a lot of fun poking fun at creationist mythology. But, to be honest with you, I wouldn’t give a damn what these clowns believe if they didn’t try to force their stupidity on other people – especially impressionable school children. If there really was a Hell, there would be a special spot for these idiots.

May the farce be with you!


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