Trump’s New Rule: Only Islamic Extremists Are a Threat

Right_wing_extremists-_2013-08-14_21-56The “man” in the Oval Office seems to have a deathly fear of terrorists. At least those with slightly darker skin, that worship a slightly different version of Big Daddy. According to him, only Islamic Extremists are a Threat!

White Supremacist, Khristian (As opposed to “Christian,” which they are not!) filberts can’t be terrorists. They supported his candidacy. In fact, he made one of them, Stephen K. Bannon, Assistant to the President and Chief Strategist.

His mantra seems to be “If they’re white, they’re all right. If they’re a bit brown, put ’em down!”

Unless you’ve been taking a two-week vacation on one of Jupiter’s outer moons, you’re probably aware that Trump (aka “Herr Rump”, aka “Duh Fuhrer”) has issued an executive order “temporarily” blocking Muslims from entering the U.S. That is, of course, unless they’re from a country that he does business with.

For instance, the vast majority of the 9/11 terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, but S.A. gets a pass. After all, terrorism is terrorism, but business is business.

Then yesterday, (2/2/17) Reuters reported that Duh Fuhrer “wants to revamp and rename a U.S. government program designed to counter all violent ideologies so that it focuses solely on Islamist extremism.”

Cosmetically, he wants the program’s name changed from “Countering Violent Extremism” to “Countering Islamic Extremism.” He wants them to quit targeting white supremacist groups entirely.

This, despite the fact that for the last several years, DHS and law enforcement agencies around the country have stated that right-wing groups are a far bigger threat than Islamic militants.

As for why they would think that, the following is a very partial list of right-wing extremist incidents over the last 15 years;

  • July 19, 2002
    Federal and local law enforcement agents arrest North Carolina Klan leader Charles Robert Barefoot Jr. for his role in a plot to blow up the Johnson County Sheriff’s Office, the sheriff himself and the county jail. He was sentenced in February 2013 to 15 years in prison and three years’ probation after his term.
  • January 8, 2003
    Federal agents arrest Matt Hale, the national leader of the neo-Nazi World Church of the Creator (WCOTC). Hale was charged with soliciting the murder of federal judge, Joan Humphrey Lefkow. He was found guilty and sentenced to serve 40 years in federal prison.
  • February 13, 2003
    Federal agents in Pennsylvania arrest David Wayne Hull, imperial wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan and an adherent of the anti-Semitic Christian Identity theology, alleging that Hull arranged to buy hand grenades to blow up abortion clinics. He was found guilty of weapons violations and sentenced to 12 years in federal prison.
  • April 1, 2004
    Neo-Nazi Skinhead Sean Gillespie videotaped himself as he firebombed Temple B’nai Israel, an Oklahoma City synagogue, as part of a film he is preparing to inspire other racists to violent revolution. He was found guilty of the attack and later sentenced to 39 years in federal prison.
  • June 10, 2005
    Daniel J. Schertz, a former member of the North Georgia White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan, was indicted in Chattanooga, Tenn., on federal weapons charges for allegedly making seven pipe bombs and selling them to an undercover informant with the idea that they would be used to murder Mexican and Haitian immigrant workers. He was sentenced to 14 years in prison.
  • October 24, 2008
    Two white supremacists, Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman, are arrested in Tennessee for allegedly plotting to assassinate Barack Obama and murder more than 100 black people. In 2010, Cowart was sentenced to 14 years and Schlesselman was sentenced to 10.
  • May 31, 2009
    Scott Roeder, an anti-abortion extremist who was involved with the antigovernment “freemen” movement in the 1990s, shoots to death Kansas late-term abortion provider George Tiller as the doctor is serving as an usher in his Wichita church. Roeder was convicted of first-degree murder in January 2010 and was sentenced to life in prison.
  • June 12, 2009
    Shawna Forde — the executive director of Minutemen American Defense (MAD), an anti-immigrant vigilante group that conducts “citizen patrols” on the Arizona-Mexico border — is charged with two counts of first-degree murder for her role in the slayings of a Latino man and his 9-year-old daughter in Arivaca, Ariz. She was sentenced to life in prison.

The list goes on and on and on, but this post is starting to get very long. You can check out the entire list here.

But, according to Duh Fuhrer, the only real terrorists are Islamic.

N.D. Republicans Want To Make It Legal For Nutjobs To Kill Protesters With Their Cars

29554803662_1992b65ca2_bNorth Dakota is a scenic state with its rolling hills and farmland, Theodore Roosevelt National Park, Devil’s Lake, and the badlands at Little Missouri State Park, to name just a few attractions.

Unfortunately, the actions of some of its legislators aren’t nearly as attractive. Case in point: House Bill No.1203, currently making its way through the legislative process.

The bill is a reaction to the peaceful (at least on the part of the protesters) pipeline protest at North Dakota’s Standing Rock Reservation. It seems that the mother of one of the legislators was inconvenienced by having to slow down while driving down a road, lined with parked cars and protesters.

Well, by Koch, the legislator, Rep. Keith Kempenich, wasn’t going to sit idly by and let his mother and others be inconvenienced by no damn environmental protesters. He got together with some of his fellow troglodytes (Representatives Mike Brandenburg, Vernon Laning, Bill Oliver, & Karen Rohr and Senators Dwight Cook & Donald Schaible) to put a stop to this tomfoolery. Btw, these are all Republicans. (Well, I did say they were “troglodytes.”)

Last week (1/9/16) they introduced House Bill No. 1203, which not only eliminates any fiscal liability for damages caused by injuring or killing a pedestrian protester “on a public road, street, or highway,”

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a driver of a motor vehicle who negligently causes injury or death to an individual obstructing vehicular traffic on a public road, street, or highway may not be held liable for any damages.

It also eliminates any criminal charges.

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a driver of a motor vehicle who unintentionally causes injury or death to an individual obstructing vehicular traffic on a public road, street, or highway is not guilty of an offense.

Now, according to Kempenich,

It’s shifting the burden of proof from the motor vehicle driver to the pedestrian.

Problem is,it’s kind of like “Stand Your Ground.” How is the victim going to argue otherwise if he’s dead?

But Kempenich also admitted his real reason for the legislation. Regarding the protests, he stated,

It puts people on edge. People who live out there are feeling terrorized.

Btw, according to the Billings Gazette, Kempenich is chairman of the board “that decides how some of the state’s billions in oil wealth is invested.” (No conflict of interest there, I’m sure.)

The bill is set for hearings by the Joint Transportation Committee on the 20th of January.

Stay tuned!

(The above links on the sponsors’ names will provide you with their contact info, just in case you’d like to apprise them of your thoughts on this bill.)

Pottygate? Trump’s Porta Potty Coverup

Don's JohnsI was doing a bit of story mining looking for a subject to write about when I came across a metaphor for Trump’s (aka Herr Rump) coronation. Fittingly, it centered around porta potties.

As with all things “Donald,” (at least in his fantasies) his coronation as president is going to be YUUUGE! However, from some indications, that may not be the case.

For instance, hotel bookings suggest it will be less than half the size of Obama’s – 800 thousand to 1.8 million. Also, the Women’s March on Washington, on the following day, has reserved three times the number of bus permits – 1200 to 393 at last count. (Of course, most of his supporters may be getting around in limos rather than public buses.)

Be that as it may, since Herr Rump thinks his celebration is going to be the BIGLYEST he wants the most of everything, including, it seems, places to sit and shit. And, evidently, the largest supplier of porta potties in the Washington D.C. area is a company named “Don’s Johns.”

(I can just imagine the promotion campaign: “Don’s Johns: The Presidential Porta Potty provider. The perfect solution for Trump chump rump dumps. Now equipped with “Golden Shower” receptacles.”)

Someone in the coronation committee must have thought that connecting (non-twitter generated) fecal matter with the “Golden Guy” might not be such a good idea. The order went out  to cover up the “Don’s Johns” label on the potties.DJ CU

Like most ideas generated by this clown crew, it wasn’t even quite half baked. They covered the name with blue tape that didn’t really conceal the name.

And, of course, this action did NOT go unnoticed.

WASHINGTON (AP) — It’s the great port-a-potty cover-up for President-elect Donald Trump’s

The Wall Street Journal,” “Fox News,” the “New York Daily News” and even “The Blaze” covered it.

The last word on the subject was that Don’s Johns CEO, Rob Weghorst” has sent his employees to rip the tapes off. As Mr Weghorst put it,

We like to have our names on our units.


p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did.It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).



Trump Lies to Justify Air Force One Cancellation

air-force-one-583682_960_720The “short attention span” president elect continues his attempt to govern in 140 characters or less. This morning he came out against the Boeing contract to build the Air Force One replacements.

First, a bit of background before we get into the twit’s tweet.

There are two “Air Force One” planes. However, only the one the president is actually using is called Air Force One. Technically, the planes are Boeing 747-200Bs and are designated VC-25A.

The two planes currently used by President Obama, were put into service when Bush, the elder, was president. Presidential planes are supposed to have an active duty life of 30 years, and the 30 years is up in 2017. However, the replacements won’t be ready until sometime in 2020.

The planes slated to replace the current Air Force Ones, are Boeing 747-8s. In January of last year, Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James stated that this was the only plane made in the United States that, “consistent with the national public interest,” could meet the requirements for the presidential aircraft.

According to Boeing’s press release this afternoon,

We are currently working under contract for $170 million to help determine the capabilities of these complex military aircraft that serve the unique requirements of the President of the United States.

The Air Force has budgeted $2.87 billion for the two Air Force One replacements, for the fiscal years 2015 through 2021.

Defense consultant, Dr. Loren B. Thompson of the Lexington Institute, explained the expense,

Air Force One has unique communications, safety and self-protection features so that the president can function under the most trying circumstances — like nuclear war. The price tag is driven by the demands of the mission.

Enter: Donald Trump!

At 5:52, this morning, he sent out a tweet,

Boeing is building a brand new 747 Air Force One for future presidents, but costs are out of control, more than $4 billion. Cancel order!

Where he got the “more than $4 billion,” other than out of thin air, is anybody’s guess. He seems to have a chronic problem with facts.

The Washington Post reported that an analyst with the Teal Group, a company that specializes in “Aerospace and Defense Market Intelligence,” said Trump’s tweet was,

Completely nonsensical and based on exactly nothing. But it’s very difficult to adjudicate on complicated program management and military requirements questions with Twitter as your medium.

The predawn tweet calls into question the government’s contractual commitments. As Franklin Turner, a partner specializing in government contracts at law firm McCarter & English, described it,

The chilling effect on industry is huge, if you are a contractor.

The tweet caused Boeing stock to take a hit, although it recovered later in the day.

Oh, and not to worry about Trump’s bottom line. He dumped his Boeing stock in June.

Pat Robertson: Celebrating Halloween Is Satan Worship

scary halloween faceCrazy Uncle Pat is at it again. Not quite sure if he’s off his meds or taking too damn many of them.

Anyway, he was asked a question on Monday’s (9/26/16) “700 Club” broadcast, about a mother allowing her child to visit a “haunted” house on Halloween.

His response:

Mother, don’t let your babies grow up to be demon-worshippers. Don’t let him do it…Halloween has become a night when the devil rejoices!

He suggested that churches put on alternatives, where “all the nice, pretty girls and all the handsome boys” are “praising the Lord instead of worshiping Satan.” (I guess ugly kids aren’t invited.)

That got me to thinking about a post I wrote a couple of Halloweens ago.

It seems, former teen hunk and current Khristian troglodyte, Kirk Cameron, got his Underoos bunched up in his backside because pagans stole Halloween from the church.

In an interview with the “Christian Post,” he had this to say,

In the 9th century, the Roman Catholic Church shifted the date of All Saints’ Day to 1 November, while 2 November later became All Souls’ Day. Over time, Samhain and All Saints’/All Souls’ merged and helped to create the modern Halloween.

On the costume aspect of Halloween, Kirk has some thoughts:

When you go out on Halloween and see all people dressed in costumes and see someone in a great big bobble-head Obama costume with great big ears and an Obama face, are they honoring him or poking fun? They are poking fun at him. … Early on, Christians would dress up in costumes as the devil, ghosts, goblins and witches precisely to make the point that those things were defeated and overthrown by the resurrected Jesus Christ. The costumes poke fun at the fact that the devil and other evils were publicly humiliated by Christ at His resurrection.

(So, I guess he believes that Obama is one of the devils or other evils that J.C. humiliated.)

And then there are the “trick-or-treaters”:

You can give them Gospel tracts and tell the story of how every ghost, goblin, witch and demon was trounced the day Jesus rose from the grave.

(I’m sure that will thrill the neighborhood six-year olds.)

 But, not to worry, you can still party hardy!

You should have the biggest party on your block, and you should have the reason for everyone to come to your house and before anyone else’s house because yours is the most fun. Halloween gives you a great opportunity to show how Christians celebrate the day that death was defeated.”

(Well, I have to admit. It does sound like one scary party.)

I hate to break it to Kirk, (Actually, I really don’t!) but as is common for Khristian troglodytes, he gets it back-assward.

It’s true that in the eighth century, (not the ninth) Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints and martyrs with a holiday, All Saints’ Day. However, the holiday it usurped goes back a lot farther.

The Roman church had a long history of usurping local events and mythological critters and incorporating them as “Christian”. They did this with Saturnalia. (Roman) You know it as Christmas. Oh, and the mistletoe (Druid), yule log (6th century Germanic Paganism) and holly (Roman Saturnalia Festival) are also imports. Also, it’s amazing how many local mythological critters morphed into Catholic saints and demons.

Much like Christmas, with its pagan Saturnalia roots, All Hallows Eve evolved from the Celtic celebration of the Samhain Festival. Btw, Samhain was about the end of the herding, trade and warfare season, not about death or demons.

According to Sir James George Frazer ‘s book, The Golden Bough: A Study in Magic and Religion . May 1st and November 1st were of great importance to herdsmen. It is at the beginning of summer that cattle are driven to the upland summer pastures and the beginning of winter that they are led back. Frazer suggested that halving the year at May 1st and November 1st dates from a time when the Celts were mainly a pastoral people, dependent on their herds. In medieval Ireland the festival marked the end of the season for trade and warfare and was an ideal date for tribal gatherings.

One last question: If the Khristians win the war on Halloween, does that mean I have to give up my annual pumpkin patch vigil for the Great Pumpkin?5138234379_9d16046cbd_b

Is Stopping Abortions More Important Than Nuclear War?

fema_-_2720_-_photograph_by_fema_news_photoFrank Pavone is a Catholic priest. He’s also the head of a charity, Priests for Life. As a charity, Priests of Life only rates one star (out of four) from Charity Navigator. But, that’s not what this rant is about. As head of Priests for Life, Franky’s had more than one run-in with the church over his handling of the group’s finances. But, once again, that’s not what this rant is about.

It seems Franky is a bit of a one-issue filbert. The issue is abortion and NO, he’s not in favor of it.

In the past, he’s compared the President of Planned Parenthood speaking at Georgetown University to inviting ISIS, drug dealers or the mob, to speak.

He’s also compared abortion to terrorism.

I always go back to the position I have, is that if a candidate came up and said, ‘I support terrorism,’ you know, the conversation stops there. You don’t ask them, you don’t start comparing other positions, other issues. You support terrorism, you’re out. And abortion is no better than terrorism, in fact it’s worse.

He’s compared legal abortion to atomic blasts.

Right now, we have a raging holocaust going on, and it’s not ‘maybe’ and it’s not ‘potential’ and it’s not ‘maybe we’re going to kill these families’ or ‘maybe we’re going to drop an atomic bomb.’ It’s like several atomic bombs have already gone off on our own soil when it comes to just the sheer numbers.

And then last week, he outdid himself when he appeared on the Catholic radio network, “Relevant Radio.” The host, Drew Mariani, mistakenly claimed that Tim Kaine predicted that the Church will change its stance on abortion. Franky had a ready response.

It was such a disservice to the Church. I mean, he represents a brand of thinking, we find it in the Church, we even find it among some clergy, you know, talk about social justice but ignore the core of social justice, which is the right to life. You cannot be right on these other issues, whether it’s poverty, immigration, war and peace, homelessness, health care—let me make a very clear statement here: Not only is abortion a more important and weighty issue than all these other issues and not only is it more important that someone be right on abortion than they be right on these other issues, but I will say it this way, you cannot be right on these other issues if you are wrong on abortion.


Oh, and btw, Franky’s a Trump Chump. Although, interestingly enough, he compares him to an out-of-control train.

Here’s the analogy I’ve been using for folks to consider: It’s like being on a runaway train. Let’s presume, it’s an odd situation, but let’s presume that you’re at the controls of a runaway train. And the train cannot be stopped and you know that at the end of the track it’s going to do damage, so you can’t stop the train. But supposed the only thing you could do is to switch the track that the train is on so that at the end of Track A it’s going to kill 10 people and at the end of Track B it’s going to kill 100 people. Now, you don’t want to kill anybody. Nobody wants to kill anybody. But you can’t stop the train.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to say, ‘Oh, I’m not going to do anything’? Or are you going to do your best to switch it to the track where it’s going to do less damage. Now, some people say, ‘I don’t want to kill 10 people and I don’t want to kill 100 people, so I’m not going to do anything.’ Yeah, but if the train is on the track, then, to do the more damage, don’t you share responsibility for not doing something to try to minimize the damage?

Stay tuned!



Featured Image: Federal Emergency Management Agency

Louie Gohmert: Hate Crime Laws Turn The U.S. Into Nazi Germany

8566258387_192a1493fc_bMy favorite Texas filbert (and there are sooo many to choose from) is back in the news cycle. Loony Louie Gohmert spoke at the Values(?) Voters Summit joining such low light luminaries as disgraced ex-congressperson Michele Bachmann, (Tehran) Tom Cotton, Ollie North (of selling arms to Iran fame), Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and everybody’s least favorite hairball and Putin lover, The DONALD!

Those of you who are not into unintentional political humor, may not be hip to Loony Louie, so a bit of intro may be in order:

  • In 2010, on the House floor, he claimed terrorists were getting women pregnant, then shipping them to the US, so they could give birth to “anchor babies.” Then after twenty to thirty years they can grow up and be trained as terrorists and blow up the country.
  • He’s claimed that Islamists are sneaking into the US, masquerading as Hispanics.
  • He’s linked marriage equality to bestiality and polygamy. And, btw, gay Boy Scouts lead to pedophilia.
  • He’s said John McCain is an al Qaeda fanboy.
  • He’s opposed to vaccines because liberal elites are using them to cull the earth’s population in order to preserve natural resources

There’s a hell of a lot more, but you get the idea.

Back to the Values(?) Voters Summit. Quite a bit has been written about Loony Louie’s claim, during his speech, that Hillary is “mentally impaired.”

A true believer does what Jesus did … you don’t make fun of people who are impaired, have special needs, and whether you like her or not, Hillary Clinton’s made clear, she is mentally impaired.


Now, I’ll grant you that Loony Louie may be somewhat of an expert in “mentally impaired,” being that he’s a prime example thereof. But, nobody who has ever dealt with Hillary can ever truthfully claim that she lacks mental faculties. She’s one of the most intelligent, disciplined and driven people in American politics today.

However, that statement, stupid as it was, is not the subject of today’s rant.

Soon after his “mentally impaired” projection, Loony Louie harked back to a statement he made when he was battling against the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009.

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, […] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations. […] But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger. And this is scary stuff we’re doing here when we take away what has traditionally been an important aspect of moral teaching in America.

If you have a supply of Emetrol handy, here’s the whole rant:

Well, it’s been seven years and while Trump seems a bit similar to the mustached menace, he’s not in charge (although Loony Louie plans on voting for the hairball). And, so far, pedophilia, necrophilia and a lot of other “phalias” are still very much illegal.

However, like every true Regressive troglodyte, Loony Louie never lets minor details like “facts” get in his way. He insisted he totally called it right down the line. Of course, he didn’t mention a single instance where this is the case.

He then went on to state that SCOTUS established secular humanism as the official government religion. Not only that, but Hillary is bent on “taking away your freedom of speech and allowing that part of the Muslim Brotherhood plan, subjugating the U.S. Constitution to Sharia law.

I have never figured out why Religious Wrong wing-nuts are sooo opposed to Sharia Law. It’s almost Identical to Evangelical law, that they think supersedes secular law.

Your religious freedom will be gone, your freedom of speech will be gone under a Clinton presidency. Freedom of the press, well, that’s not officially gone, it’s just if you express truth in the press, the rest of the press makes fun of you.

If you have any Emetrol left, here’s Loony Louie’s speech at the Values(?) Voters Summit.

Btw, did you know that Loony Louie used to be Chief Justice on Texas’s 12th Court of Appeals? Cuzin Ricky Perry appointed him. (Which explains a hell of a lot.)

Stay tuned! I’m sure this filbert will be back with even more hilarity!




Mormonism: The Big Con? (pt 2: Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off to Church We Go)

Mormon ChronologyCONTINUED

When last we left Joe, Ollie, Marty and the various “Holy Ghosts”, Joe had just finished “translating” the Book of Mormon and had gotten it copyrighted. (I guess they didn’t check for plagiarism.)

However, when it comes to having the BoM printed, there’s a slight problem. Printing books costs money and Joe’s previous scams haven’t been too financially successful, so he doesn’t have the loot to do it.

Fortunately. “God” comes to the rescue. Seems Big Daddy has a talk with Joe and tells him that Marty will suffer “GOD’S PUNISHMENT” if he doesn’t pony up the Benjamins to print the book. Doctrine & Covenants Section 1986fad446-c7a9-442e-9347-0c2d06f8060c_oA few quick thoughts on the matter:

  1. Why is Big Daddy always broke? Hell, he can create gold by farting a certain way. Why does he always want ours? He can’t spend it. Maybe he eats it. Who knows?
  2. Isn’t it handy to be the only one B.D. chats up? I mean, who’s to say what you say isn’t what he said? A touch more on that later.
  3. I always thought extortion fell under the “sin” category. However, as we shall learn over the remaining posts, a sin isn’t a sin if Big D or his “prophet” commit it. And, laws aren’t laws unless Big Daddy and Joe approve of them.

(8/1829) Marty gives Joe $3,000 (A little shy of $64,000 in todays moolah.) to cover publishing costs of the BoM. To raise the money, Marty has to mortgage part of his farm, which is repossessed when he can’t pay it off. (So, Marty does what Big D demands, and Big D rewards him by having him lose part of his farm. What an asshole! This isn’t the last time B.D. screws someone for doing what he commands. We’ll run across multiple examples over the ensuing years.)

Before we get to more of the “latter-day” fun stuff, lets take a quick gander at the BoM.

It’s reputed to be the saga of various bands of Israelis that sailed boats (In one case, a submarine) from the Middle East, all the way to South America. It then traces the history of their descendants (aka “First Nations”, “Native Americans” or “Indians”).

Unfortunately, there are more than a few glaring errors in the narrative:

  1. First of all, it is not backed up by DNA evidence which clearly shows a direct descent from Eastern Asians, not Semitic Asians. FAIL!
  2. The BoM says that the descendents had chariots. FAIL! The wheel was unknown in the Western Hemisphere.
  3. The BoM’s 2nd Book of Nephi, which was supposedly written around 590 BCE, uses the word “Bible“. FAIL! There was no “Bible” in 590 BCE. The Pentateuch had barely been written around 621 BCE, but the Bible was still just a gleam in Big Daddy’s eyes.
  4. Ether 9:31-33 tells the tale of cattle-herding snakes. FAIL!
  5. The BoM claims horses were used as “beasts of burden”. FAIL! There were no horses in Pre-Columbian America, and hadn’t been since the Pleistocene Era.



  6. Speaking of non-existent animals, Ether 9:19 says elephants were also used. FAIL! There never were elephants in America. There had been mammoths and mastodons, but they’d been extinct for about 6,000 years.
  7. The BoM also mentions domestic cattle. FAIL! Not in the new world. (This is getting monotonous.)
  8. The BoM details fighting with steel swords. FAIL! There were no metal weapons of any kind used in the Western
  9. The BoM says dark skin is a “loathsome” curse, because either you or one of your ancestors screwed up. However, righteous living will cause your skin to become white and “delightsome.” FAIL! FAIL! (and one more for good measure) FAIL!
  10. There are a lot more problems, inaccuracies, inconsistencies and downright lies, but I think you’ve got a handle on the situation.

There has been speculation that Joe “translated” the BoM for other than altruistic reasons. One reason for the speculation might be because he tried to sell the rights to the book, right after it was published. (However, nobody was buying his story.)

Can I get a witness?

(6/28/1829) Joe, Ollie, Marty and David Whitmer retire to the woods. (Them mushrooms ain’t gonna harvest themselves.) While there, they’re visited by another angel and he has the plates with him. I guess Joe had already given them back.

Afterwards, they all sign a statement titled “Testimony of Three Witnesses” (Tot3W)  which is conveniently located at the beginning of every BoM.

(7/2/1829) Eight more people: Christian Whitmer, Jacob Whitmer, Peter Whitmer Jr., John Whitmer, Hiram Page, Joe Sr., Hyrum Smith, & Samuel Smith “witness” the plates. All eight are members of the Smith or Whitmer families. Page is a Whitmer Bro-in-law.

Mary Whitmer claims Moroni shows her the plates as well, but she’s just a woman, so I guess she doesn’t count. Mrs Joe claims she felt the plates through a cloth, although she never exactly saw them. (Seems she didn’t peek in the bean barrel. No Pandora, she.)

Unfortunately, a few problems with all this “witnessing” keep popping up.

For starters, if you’ve read the “Tot3W”, you’ll notice that it seems to insinuate that the plates were seen, but it really doesn’t say how they were seen. (Don’t laugh, this becomes important.) There are an incredible number of “weasel words” in there that allow you to draw whatever conclusion is convenient for your point of view.

And then, there’s the “I can’t seem to keep the story straight” problem.

Let’s start with Marty. You might remember that last post I compared Marty to my favorite bird. (If you’ve ever camped out by a northern alpine lake and listened to the haunting serenade of the loons, you’ll know why I love ’em.)LoonsBut, actually, I was referring to the other usage of the word. You know, “crazy as a ……”

His belief in earthly visitations of angels and ghosts gives him the reputation of being a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Here’s what some of the people who know him have to say about Marty: “a great man for seeing spooks” (Lorenzo Saunders); “a visionary fanatic” (Jesse Townsend); “overbalanced by marvellousness” (Pomeroy Tucker). Pomeroy Tucker reminiscence, 1858, in Vogel 1996-2003, 3: 71

For instance, during a break in translation transcribing, Marty takes a 2 or 3 mile “walk & talk” with J.C.. Of course, J.C. is in the form of a deer, but talking with him as familiarly as one man talks with another”. John A. Clark letter, August 31, 1840

Another time Marty has also seen the Devil, whom he describes as “a very sleek haired fellow with four feet, and a head like that of a Jack-ass.” Vogel,EMD 2: 271, note 32.

And, he always seems to know whenever YHWH (Big Daddy) or J.C. stops by to take in a Sunday sermon, even if nobody else can see them.

Then there’s the time when Marty encounters J.C. poised up on a roof beam. Ronald W. Walker, “Martin Harris: Mormonism’s Early Convert,” Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought 19 (Winter 1986): 34-35. I have absolutely no clue as to what J.C.’s doing on the roof . Maybe he heard the drinks were on the house? (Ooooh sorry. That was a bad one, even for me.)

Ok, I think you probably get the picture. Marty may not be the best choice for a credible witness. But, I guess you go with what you’ve got.

At one point, as the BoM is readied for printing, the typesetter (John Gilbert) asks him “Martin, did you see those plates with your naked eyes?” Marty replies “No, I saw them with a spiritual eye!John H. Gilbert, “Memorandum,” 8 September 1892, in EMD, 2: 54 (I’m not into “magic mushrooms”, so I usually see “with a spiritual eye” after 5 or 6 heavy hits on the bong.)

Later, in 1838 he testifies in court that neither he, nor any of the other “witnesses” ever physically saw the plates. Stephen Burnett to Luke S. Johnson, 15 April 1838, in Joseph Smith’s Letterbook, Early Mormon Documents 2: 290-92 Three of the 12 Mormon Apostles promptly leave the church. (Lotsa juicy detail coming up down the timeline.)

By 1853, he crosses back over to “Saw’em-Touched’em” Land. He tells David Dille that he held the 40-60 lb plates on his knee for “an hour-and-a-half” and handled them “plate after plate” Martin Harris interview with David B. Dille, 15 September 1853

Other than being a few frogs shy of a flap jack, what possible motivation could he have had for this charade?

In the winter of 1828, Marty and his wife visit his sister-in-law, Abigail. This is how Abigail describes one conversation: “… Martin Harris and Lucy Harris, his wife, were at my house. In conversation with the Mormonites, she observed that she wished her husband would quit them, as she believed it all false and a delusion. To which I heard Mr. Harris reply: ‘What if it is a lie; if you will let me alone I will make money out of it!’ I was both an eye and ear witness of what has been above stated, which is now fresh in my memory, and I speak the truth and lie not, God being my witness.” Lucy is on record as confirming the conversation.

Now, if you think I’m picking on Marty, I’m just using him as an example. There are problems and conflicts with all the testimonies.

David Whitmer said he saw the plates “by the eye of faith” (aka Psilocybe liniformans?) Psilocybeliniformans2Later, David said he found them lying in a field and even later said that they were laying on a table with other gold & brass plates, the Sword of Laban and our old friends, Urim & Thumim. Millennial Star, vol. XL, pp. 771-772

Joe publicly charged Ollie with lying, perjury and counterfeiting, among other crimes. Senate Document 189, Feb. 15, 1841, pp. 6-9 (And, of course, lots more on this coming up down the line.) However, everyone is supposed to believe him when he agrees with Joe?

Let me finish up on the “witnesses” with this little factoid: By 1847, all 11 “witnesses” leave the church. Not 1, not 3, but every last mother-humpin’ one of them. (Kinda tells you something right there!) Some come back later to enjoy their celebrity status or for some other non-altruistic reason, and some don’t.

Hi ho, hi ho, It’s off to church we go!

(3/26/1830) Joe publishes “The Book of Mormon.”

(4/6/1830) Eleven days later, starting with 30 suckers, I mean saints, Joe incorporates the “Church of Christ” in Fayette NY, or was it Manchester, NY? (Inquiring minds want to know.) 

Nit picking time (Hey, they’re the church’s nits, not mine!) Part of the incorporation location confusion comes from the church claims prior to 1834 that it is in the Smith home in Manchester, (actually, the house is just north of the Palmyra town border) and then, after ’34, the official church version changes to the Peter Whitmer house in Fayette.

Complicating it even more is the fact that no legal records of church incorporation exist in the Palmyra/Manchester area, the Fayette area, or anywhere else in the state. It seems this may not be a legal organization.

Wherever it is, it seems everyone has a great time, speaking in tongues, having visions, prophesying and fainting. Joseph Smith History, 1839 draft Also, Joe and Ollie are both ordained “as an apostle of Jesus Christ, an elder of the church”. This later gets modified so that Joe becomes “1st Elder” and Ollie becomes “2nd Elder”. (And, the power struggle begins.)

2nd nit: According to the church (ala Nephi 27:3-8) Christ’s true church is required to have his name on it. That raises a bit of a “sticky wicket”. (Always wanted to use that phrase, and btw a sticky wicket is a damp, soft pitch in cricket. So, who says my posts aren’t educational?) By that reckoning, it seems that between May 3, 1834 and April 1838, J.C. didn’t have a true church. During that time period, the name was changed to “The Church of the Latter Day Saints”. (No Christ, nowhere, nohow)

(6/9/1830). Holy exorcism, Batman! Joe performs his 1st miracle! Yup, our boy Joe casts a devil “of uncommon size from a miserable man in the neighborhood of the ‘great bend’ of the Susquehannah.”. (At least that’s what he claims.)

Unfortunately this gets Joe hauled into court again. He’s charged with performing an exorcism, but he’s acquitted. Would love to be a fly on the wall during the trial. If Joe admits to the charge, that means he’s guilty. If he denies the charge, that means he’s either lying under oath or he lied about the exorcism. Since he’s acquitted, I think I know what his testimony is.

About the same time, Marty gives himself a promotion to Prophet. He claims in two years non-Mormonites will be stricken off the earth and Palmyra will become the New Jerusalem complete with streets of gold. Gilbert, John H. (September 8, 1892), Recollections of John H. Gilbert, Palmyra, New York

Obviously this does not go down well with Joe. (The “Prophet” part at least.) In September, Joe claims that B.D. tells him he’s the only Prophet and Marty is something else. While he’s at it, B.D. gives him the authority to issue commandments on any subject. (Wouldn’t that make him at least a demigod? Talk about inflated ego!)

Meet Sid

Sidney Rigdon (1793-1876)

Sidney Rigdon (1793-1876)

One of the early converts, Parley P. Pratt is sent to preach to the Lamanites (aka Indians). On his way, he stops by to visit his old Campbellite preacher, Sidney Rigdon. Sid reads the BoM and decides to convert.

(We’ll catch up with P.P.P. a bit later. Or rather, the husband of his 9th wife will. It doesn’t end well.)

After being baptized, Sid proceeds to convert hundreds of his old flock.

(12/1830) Shortly after, he pays a visit to Joe. As a preacher, Sid is a fiery orator and Joe needs one of those. He is immediately made the church’s flack hack. (spin doctor)

About this time, Big Daddy decides it’s time to relocate to greener pastures (and money). Since Sid already has hundreds of Mormonites in Ohio, that seems to be a good spot. B.D. tells Joe that a little farming village called Kirtland will be their new home. So, over the next year (1831) Joe & the gang set up shop in Kirtland.

Despite Marty’s earlier claims, B.D. tells Joe that Zion (New Jerusalem) is located in Independence, MO.

(6/7/1831) Joe takes a small group to check it out. (I’ve been to Independence, and other than being my idol “Give ’em Hell” Harry’s home town, it’s a long way from any fantasy of Zion, I ever had.) While there, they lay a cornerstone for a proposed temple. Within a year about 800 saints settle there.

If you’ve read “The Religious Wrong (pt 3: The Great(?) Awakening)“, you’ll recall that in this period, a lot of religious/cult groups’ idea of Utopia included “small c” communism, (with a healthy dose of sex on the side). Kirkland fit the pattern.

(2/9/1831) Joe has a “revelation” detailing the “Law of Consecration” or what he calls “The United Order of Enoch” Doctrine & Covenants 42:30-39 In short, “saints were to “consecrate” (give) their belongings to the church, and the church would give them what they need, keeping the extra for “good works”.

Sounds like “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” to me. (Mr Marx would be pleased. And, I ain’t talkin’ Groucho!)

(7/17/1831) As for the sex on the side? Joe has a revelation from Big Daddy recommending that he practice polygamy. (Or does he?) Joe neglects to tell anyone about it other than one brand new member (Willie Wine Phelps) who neglects to tell anyone else about it for 30 years. The rest of the Mormonites, don’t learn of B.D.’s current views on polygamy/polyandry until 1843. By that time, Joe is already screwing over a couple dozen “wives”.

What makes this even more interesting, is that Joe’s own “translation” of the BoM comes out strongly against the practice: But the word of God burdens me because of your grosser crimes. For behold, thus saith the Lord: This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son. “Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord.Jacob 2:23-24

The appearance of Sid starts Ollie’s slide into insignificance. Sid takes over as scribe helping Joe re-translate the bible. However, Joe never quite finishes his translation, and strangely enough, none of the “Prophet, Seer & Revelators” that follow, pick up the ball.

Sid is named one of Joe’s two counselors and becomes a close partner in the operation. He’s even a guest of honor along with Joe at an informal “tar & feathers party”.

You get the tar, and I’ll get the feathers. Let’s get together and have a great time!

T&F PartyListen, my children, and you shall hear the legend of the infamous “Tar & Feather Incident”. (3/24/1832) (This one’s kinda like the Boston Tea Party in that there are a lot of facts known, but as for the truth???)

Let’s start with the facts: A group of men drag Joe & Sid out of their respective houses. (Joe & Emma are lodging with the Johnsons and Sid’s bunked in with another family.) The mob beats them and strips them naked. They try to force some tar and acid down Joe’s throat, but the bottle evidently breaks. They slather hot tar on their bodies and dump feathers all over the sticky mess.There’s also a doctor in the group that has been brought along to castrate Joe. (But not Sid.) Fortunately(?) for a lot of Joe’s future bed buddies, the doctor gets cold feet.

According to the church, this is a drunken mob stirred up by some apostate Mormonites. The church’s spin is that these were petty and vindictive men who have left the church over minor issues. There are obviously some “apostates” in the mob. There are also some current members and the previously mentioned doctor.

As to another possible reason for the anger of both members and ex, remember back seven paragraphs, where I mentioned “The Law of Consecration”? Well, a lot of these folks have decided that they don’t want to give everything to Joe and let him decide what they get back. Seems to them Joe is fleecing the flock. Seems to me, that’s not a minor issue. As a side note (aka foreshadowing) later events prove they have a point.

And, then there’s the situation with the doctor. Now, dumping tar and acid down Joe’s throat, I can understand. It keeps him from preaching. However, cutting off Joe’s balls doesn’t stop him from preaching, it just means he’ll do it in a higher register. Soooo, why is he here? Also, why was Joe the only castration candidate?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to 16-year-old Marinda Johnson. I mentioned current members being involved a couple of paragraphs back. Two of those members were Marinda’s brothers and Joe’s host’s sons. It seems Joe was either “getting frisky” with the girl, or was trying to. Considering castration is a rather extreme punishment, my money’s on the former.Frisky Joe While you and I might consider this sort of a “rockstar-groupie” thing, I don’t think Marinda’s brothers saw it quite that way.

I’ve heard the church claim that this is not adultery, because Joe has already been given the go ahead by B.D.. Since nobody knows about that except for Willie Wine (And, I ain’t so sure about him.) that’s a piss poor excuse. Also, Joe’s track record (as we shall see) paints him as a bit of a sexual predator.

Btw, this is not the last we’ll see of darling Marinda. But that’s a story for later down the timeline.

Joe & Sid survive the experience obviously, and go on to greater low jinks. But, I have already exceeded (once again) my self-imposed word limit.

Next episode, we’ll continue the life and times of Mormonite Kirtland, including Joe’s next sexual conquest, “The Word of Wisdom”, the power struggles and (hopefully) the real reason Joe and the gang had to skip town.

In the meantime, if the Mormon missionaries knock on your door (and, they will, sooner or later), tell them you belong to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or if in Oregon, the Church of Elvis. (Hey, those religions are just as valid as Mormonism.)


ps Here’s one for the road:

p.p..s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it. I’d love it if you did.It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

The ‘Religious’ War On Hillary And Women In Power

UntitledLet the woman learn in silence with all subjection.

But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.

For Adam was first formed, then Eve.

And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.

Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety. 1 Timothy 2:11-15 (KJV)

There you have it, ladies: Keep your mouth shut and spread your legs. Oh, and don’t forget to believe this BS is holy writ, behave yourself and lay off the hooch. Because: Eve and the talking snake.

Most Christians have relegated this garbage to the trash heap of history. (Btw, it wasn’t written by Timothy. It was supposedly written to Timothy by that renown misogynist, Saul of Tarsus, aka “Paul.”)

However, there are some individuals (I call them “Khristians” as opposed to “Christians” because most of their beliefs would have been anathema to Christ.) still believe this junk.

For instance, a week ago on the American Pastors Network program, “Stand in the Gap,” APN board member, Gary Dull, had some choice bull droppings to spread on the subject.

According to Mr. Dull, (no snark needed) women serving in positions of political leadership is a sign that a society is “spiritually rotten.” As an example, he brought up Isaiah 3:12,

As for my people, children are their oppressors, and women rule over them. O my people, they which lead thee cause thee to err, and destroy the way of thy paths.

The chapter goes on to complain of the abomination of flirty women with swaying hips, wearing baubles, bangles and beads. (Not quite sure if that has anything to do with women in power, but then, I’m not a troglodyte bible-thumper.)

Dull went on to quote the passage at the top of this post, to prove that women are chattel. Then he stated,

In God’s line of authority, it seems very clear in the scripture that a woman should not be in authority over men, which would limit a woman from being the president of the United States of America or even a queen of some other particular nation.

If you have your Emetrol handy and want to listen to some of this insanity, here’s a soundbite:

Lest you think that Mr. Dull is an outlier, (as opposed to an out-and-out liar) here’s a few other quotes from the ranks of the Religious Wrong:

Georgia pastor Benjamin Faircloth: [Hillary Clinton] “would have no problem setting this nation on fire.” He then went on to compare the U.S. to Turkey.

Turkey, what’s happening there, Pastor Rick, is going to happen here in America…To me, what it does is it shows us a parallel, it shows us an overlay, it shows us what’s coming to this nation. If they can’t win by the ballot box, if they can’t win by, you know, fair, free elections, there is no doubt in my mind that same scare, that same type of entity here in America will pull the trigger and destroy this nation. If they can’t do it the way they wanna do it, I think that they will pull the trigger…I think her heart is black, I think it’s evil.

Still got the Emetrol handy? There’s more:

Then on “Generations Radio with Kevin Swanson,” Rev. Kev (He’s a wing-nut Presbyterian pastor who thinks it’s better to kill your kids than let them read Harry Potter.) had this to say,

On the one hand, the nation embraces a sexual decadence. On the other hand, the feminists —who themselves rather appreciate free love, sexual impurity and adultery, but they don’t appreciate fact that a woman was taken advantage of. Therefore, in order for [Clinton] to be vindicated, she has got to prove herself by winning the power struggle over the highest office in the land. This is what defines America today…If they can achieve the ultimate zenith of power, this will become the final chapter, in a sense, of the present war that feminists have waged over this nation.

Finally, (The list goes on and on and on and on, but I’m running out of Emetrol.) James Edwards, on his radio program, “The Political Cesspool,” (which pretty well describes the program) had a few choice comments to make.

Should Hillary Clinton be president of the United States?…The husband is the ruler of the house under God’s law, and that’s the law that I abide by. Would this country be better, frankly, if women didn’t even vote? I mean, ask yourself that because we see women are so — even more than men, and even though men now — need this status, they need to be accepted, they need food, water, shelter, and status in order to survive, but women especially need that. You know, I think the model before suffrage was a husband and a wife come together as a unit and the man casts the vote for that family.

After eight years of filberts bemoaning the fact that there was a “nigger” in the White House, it looks like we can look forward to four to eight years of religious troglodytes crying because there’s a women doing what “Big Daddy” says is a “man’s job.”

Sappy Sarah Palin Claims Ted Cruz Is Dead (To Her)

8571336506_24b0320377_bSarah Palin couldn’t make the Republican National Convention (aka the Regressive Incest Fest). Her son, Track was on trial for domestic-violence assault, interfering with the report of a domestic violence crime and possession of a firearm while intoxicated.

You’ll be happy(?) to know that Track got off with a pinky tap on the wrist. Two of the charges, domestic-violence assault and interfering with the report of a domestic-violence crime, got dropped and all he has to do is attend some classes.

As a result of this distraction, she’s been a bit quiet until yesterday. But, you know Sarah, if there’s a way to insert herself into the news stream, she’s gonna grab it.

Enter Teddy Cruz! Or more specifically, Teddy boy’s “Vote Your Conscience” speech at what was supposed to be hairball’s coronation.

On Wednesday, (I suppose in the spirit of unifying the party behind the “Great Orange Blunder”) Cruz was invited to speak at the convention. As with most of the convention, this move was VERY poorly thought out.

Hairball had called Cruz’s wife ugly and claimed his father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Did anyone really think he was gonna roll over and play servile puppy? Cruz has a multitude of personality disorders, but he’s not Chris Christie.

Anyway, after Cruz not only didn’t endorse the Regressive nominee, but asked everyone to vote their conscience (if they could remember where they left it) he was soundly booed and castigated by tea party types.

Voting your conscience? Regressives can’t have people doing that. Most of them don’t even know what a conscience is. (Well, after all, it is an over-4-letter word.)

With an opening like that, was the “half-baked Alaskan” front and center to “refudiate” Cruz? You betcha!

Sarah used to be a Cruz’er, back when he was running for Senator in 2012 If fact, Cruz even credited her for his win. but those days are dead and gone. (And, according to “Caribou Boobie” so is he.)

Instead, the half-term, half-wit decided to hitch up with hairball’s run for presidential wannabe in hopes of an administration gig she could quit after destroying it. (Energy Secretary, for those of you who didn’t click the link.) Since then, she’s been tossing some of her best(?) word salads in support of the hairy chee-to.

After Cruz’s speech, Sarah high-tailed it over to Breitbart to give Cruz a piece of her mind. (As if she could spare any.) She titled her post “Sarah Palin to Ted Cruz: Delete Your Career.

Cruz’s broken pledge to support the will of the people tonight was one of those career-ending “read my lips” moments. I guarantee American voters took notice and felt more unsettling confirmation as to why we don’t much like typical politicians because they campaign one way, but act out another way. That kind of political status quo has got to go because it got us into the mess we’re in with America’s bankrupt budgets and ramped up security threats.

It’s commonplace for politicians to disbelieve their word is their bond, as evidenced by Cruz breaking his promise to endorse his party’s nominee, evidently thinking whilst on the convention stage, “At this point, what difference does it make?” We’ve been burned so horribly by that attitude that voters won’t reward politicians pulling that “what difference does it make” stunt again. Politicians will see — it makes all the difference in the world to us.

She even sent along a delightful little video:

It’s probably safest not to invite both Sarah and Teddy to your next shindig, although it would certainly liven it up a bit.

Stay tuned. I have the sinking feeling that this isn’t the last we’ll hear about this.