Pat Robertson: If You Find Trump Revolting, You’re Revolting Against God! (Video)

Crazy Uncle Pat is at it again! Never one to let a controversy go by unscathed, the poster child(?) for senility weighed in on “The Russian Connection” scandal.

Ignoring the fact that Flynn’s phone calls to the Russian Ambassador boarded on, or over, the treason line, Robertson, claimed the intelligence community was out to get Flynn. According to Uncle Pat, they were specifically monitoring Flynn’s phone calls.

Actually, U.S. intelligence agencies routinely monitor the communications of Russian diplomats. The problem for Flynn is that the then future National Security Advisor didn’t know enough about national security to know that.

Robertson doesn’t believe the intelligence agencies were going rogue to pick on Flynn. Not by the hair on your chinny, chin chin! The instigators of the plot were the usual suspects (of the tinfoil turban crowd). It was Democrats, liberal government officials and (of course) the media.

Let me tell you! Uncle Pat had more than a few things to say about that and the “grand conspiracy” to bring down Trump and his crew. For starters, he pulled out the “good(?) book.”

The kings of the earth rise up and the rulers band together against the Lord and against his anointed,” Robertson said that those challenging Trump are really fighting against God. – Psalm 2:2

Then, of course, he added his own twisted take on the situation.

I think, somehow, the Lord’s plan is being put in place for America and these people are not only revolting against Trump, they’re revolting against what God’s plan is for America. These other people have been trying to destroy America. These left-wingers and so-called progressives are trying to destroy the country that we love and take away the freedoms they love. They want collectivism. They want socialism. What we’re looking at is free markets and freedom from this terrible, overarching bureaucracy. They want to fight as much as they can but I think the good news is the Bible says, “He that sits in the heavens will laugh them to scorn,” and I think that Trump’s someone on his side that is a lot more powerful than the media.

Well, if it was Big Daddy’s plan to inflict Trump upon this country, he must be mighty pissed at us about something.

In parting, for your listening and dancing delight, I present a minute and 23 seconds of this insanity. Enjoy!

Was Flynn Forced Out By ‘Devil-Worshiping, Luciferian, Demon-Possessed Maniacs?’

Heronimus BoschWelcome to the weird, warped, wacky world of Rick Wiles. This is a world straight out of the fever dream of John of Patmos or maybe Hieronymus Bosch. The Rickster runs a nut-job radio program called “Trunews.” (“Tru”, it ain’t and as for “news,” it would only be that if he ever got anything right.) 

In the past, he has regaled us with such knee-slappers as,

Yesterday (2/14/17) on his show, the Rickster had another brain fart. (Either that or his tinfoil toupee slipped off again.)

Rick Wiles shares the disturbing mechanics behind the spiritual melee currently in full swing for control of President Trump’s cabinet and the fate of Christianity worldwide. Rick also discusses the mad ramblings echoing through the Democratic party, and reminds the audience of the communist origins behind the revolt for America’s soul.

I’m running low on Emetrol, so I’m just going to cover a portion of the program. If you’ve stocked up, click on the “show” link above. (RDT not responsible for any mental or medical malfunctions resulting from listening to his ravings.)

Here’s a short run-down of some of the bovine meadow muffins from the show:

  • Flynn was dumped because he knew about Hillary’s child molestation ring. (Can you say “Pizzagate.”) Of course, that only existed in the fevered brows of the Tinfoil Turban set, but hey, why let a thoroughly debunked conspiracy go to waste?
  • Devil-worshiping, Luciferian, demon-possessed maniacs” have formed a “criminal cabal [that is] running this nation and much of the world” that allows them to engage in “child trafficking, child molestation, child rape, [and] child murder.
  • Many of the key officials, elected and appointed, and in corporate board rooms and in Hollywood and in New York City, they are part of a global child molestation ring,”
  • Hillary is now “relishing in the fact that they brought down General Flynn because he knows what they are and what they’re doing.”

Here’s a short clip from the program. Hopefully, a small dose won’t be too lethal.

I’d say “stay tuned,” but I’m not that much of a sadist.

Featured Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

Right-Wing Preacher Proclaims Trump Is ‘God’s New Samson’ (AUDIO)

Sansone_distrugge_il_tempio_dei_Filistei_-_GrechettoIn the latest news from the Theocracy of Tinfoil Turbans comes word that Donald Trump, aka “Herr Rump,” aka “Duh Fuhrer,” may indeed be the second coming of Samson.

No, not the circus strongman, this one’s the real deal. The one from the “good book,” Judges 13-15.

Now, the last word I heard was that Herr Rump was the 2nd coming of John the Baptist, or maybe even J.C., himself! At least that’s what ex Assembly of God bible thumper, Tom Horn, told Jim Bakker last month.

Maybe Horn was wrong or maybe Duh Fuhrer has a case of multiple personality disorder, amidst his many other mental maladies.

Anyway, Rick Wyles thinks he’s Samson. No word on who Rick thinks Delilah is this time around.

For those of you who have not had the displeasure of knowing Rick, he’s another troglodyte “Khristian,” as opposed to “Christian.” He’s also the host of the “end times” and survivalist themed radio program, “Trunews.” Despite its name, Trunews is not news and is definitely not true.

I’ve written about Rick a couple times in the past. In May of 2015, Rick predicted death and destruction if SCOTUS legalized gay marriage.

Claiming the Holy Ghost was speaking through him, he said there was fire in the future. The Sacred Spook wasn’t sure if it was rioting, war or a fireball from space, but it was something.

America will be brought to its knees, there will be pain and suffering at a level we’ve never seen in this country. The word that I hear in my spirit is ‘fire.’ I do not know if it refers to riots or looting or war on American soil or a fireball from space. I simply know that a sweeping, consuming fire will come across the United States of America and this country will be charred and burned.

Herr Rump was elected, so maybe he was right on that one.

Then last February, after Justice Scalia bit the big one, Rick claimed he was the victim of a pagan sacrifice.

He broke the news to the world that Obama murdered Scalia as part of Lupercalia. Lupercalia, for those of you not hip to pagan holidays is supposed to avert evil spirits, releasing health and fertility. More than that, this ritual sacrifice also marked the beginning of the country being ruled by our pagan fascist overlords.

Hmm, once again, was he predicting Duh Fuhrer?

This Wednesday (1/25/17) Rick was as happy as a tick gorging on an elephant’s butt.

Friends, listen to me,” he said. “God’s favor is on us. Please, please, please comprehend what is happening. It’s more than a political revolution. This is a spiritual revolution. God’s favor is shining on us. I can’t get out of my mind what Mario Murillo said Monday, ‘Grace is oozing out of Heaven.’ It’s just oozing towards us right now. I’m basking in it. I’m rolling around in it. I’m enjoying it

He went on to explain the cause of his euphoria,

I keep getting this picture that Donald Trump is like this Samson, who has been raised up by God to fight the Philistines and all the Philistines have now turned their attention away from the church, turned their attention away from attacking Christianity, and all of the Philistines are running to Washington to attack Samson. But Samson is strong enough for them. He’s been called. He’s been equipped for this battle. That is his job. That is his assignment. He’s going to beat them down. They will not be able to overtake him. He’s Samson. He was designed by God. He was created for this hour to fight these Philistines.

By “Philistines,” I’m not sure if he was talking about the Women’s March on Washington, the fact-checking press, the LGBT community, some descendants of the original Philistines, or just the majority of Americans in general. He  was a bit vague on the matter.

But, in his “Us Against Them War,” the “Philistines,” whoever they are, are the enemy!

Deranged Jim Bakker Is Sure Trump Is BFF With Jesus–Will Fight Evil Women Who Kill Babies

Jim Bakker, for those of you who don’t keep up with troglodyte bible-thumpers, is a lecherous, larcenist, preacher, who spent a few years learning the finer points of “rock hockey” after being caught for his misdeeds. In 1989,he was sentenced to 45 years in the  “Stony Lonesome,” but he wrangled a sentence reduction and only served five.

Since his release, he’s back at the old con shop, mostly pushing apocalyptic visions of the future and selling survival food and gear. (Of course, if you’re “raptured,” it’s a waste of money.)

To push his predictions, products and profits, he has an online broadcast (The Jim Bakker Show), with guests like Rick Wyles, Rick Joyner, Mike Huckabee and Carl Gallups.

In fact, Mr. Gallups was a guest on last Monday’s (1/16/16) show.

Carl Gallups has all the standard right-wing filbert credentials: He’s anti-gay, claiming it will completely destroy society and lead to enslavement.

He’s against Common Core, because, in his words,

Under Common Core, our smallest children in pre-school, kindergarten, etc. will learn about “the mechanics of homosexual sex because it has now been deemed normal and natural.

He’s also a “Sandy Hook Truther” claiming that the whole thing was a government hoax to justify new firearm restrictions and the grieving parents were actors.

Is it any wonder that Trump said Gallup’s endorsement was a “great honor” during the campaign?

As I said, on Monday Bakker had Gallup as a guest on his show. During their discussion, Bakker went off the deep end (again). He claimed that a million women are getting ready to march (Women’s March on Washington) because they want to kill their babies. They also want to kill Trump, because he’s leading the battle against evil. If they do that,they’re free to “sin.”

During the program, we also found out that Trump is a “born again” Christian (If that’s true, I want to see his “re-birth certificate.”) and has been ministered to for 15 years in preparation for the presidency.

Then Gallup piped in that the “demonic powers” (aka “Globalists“) are freaking out over the possibility that Trump may be president for 8 years, followed by Pence for another 8 and Trump’s son Eric taking over after that. (Hell, if that were a possibility, everybody should be freaking out!)

If you have enough Emetrol handy, here’s a clip of the proceedings:

Does Trump’s CIA Director Want To Start A Holy War?

This threat to America is from people who deeply believe that Islam is the way and the light and the only answer. These folks believe that it is religiously driven for them to wipe Christians from the face of the earth…. They abhor Christians, and will continue to press against us until we make sure that we pray and stand and fight and make sure that we know that Jesus Christ our savior is truly the only solution for our world. – Mike Pompeo, Trump’s pick for CIA Director

The above quote was part of a speech Representative Mike Pompeo, (R-Kansas) gave to a church group in Wichita, Kansas, in 2014.

While Pompeo did not come out and directly advocate declaring war on Islam, there were several embedded “dog whistles,” (Conveniently denoted in boldface.) to get the message across. Such as: “It is religiously driven for them to wipe Christians from the face of the earth,” “make sure that we pray and stand and fight” and “Jesus Christ our savior is truly the only solution for our world.

That last one is especially troubling. Allow me to translate down the audio spectrum: “Christianity should rule the world or we’re in deep doo-doo.”

Don’t think that the Wichita speech was a “one off.” Last year, he addressed the Summit Church in his home district. This particular church  specializes in Satanism and paranormal activity. In that speech, he called the fight against radical Islam “the kind of struggle this country has not faced since its great wars.

So, who the hell is Mike Pompeo? For starters, he’s a former army captain that thinks he knows more about military matters than the Pentagon, State Department and Obama. He’s currently been nominated to head the CIA by Donald Trump.

You might remember him as part of the Benghazi witch hunt, looking for Hillary Clinton’s “smoking gun.” (Or at least, her broomstick.) Mike never found the gun, but he still managed to shoot himself in the foot.

As you might guess, being elected in Kansas, Mike flies with his right wing only. He pushes a number of fantasies cherished by troglodytes.

As bad as these things may be, they don’t have a lot to do with his proposed position at the CIA. But, these do:

“Why would you spy on friends? Because it’s a place where you find people who are trying to do enormous harm to America.”

  • He also thinks the N.S.A. needs to spy on American citizens. (Can you say “Big Brother is Watching?”)
  • He’s a torture fanboy. Despite the fact that torture hardly ever results in actionable intelligence. Not to mention that it’s against national and international laws.
  • He’s “skeptical” about global climate change. (See “fossil fuels” comment above.) This despite the fact that the Department of Defense asserts that climate change will affect the Pentagon’s ability to “defend the nation” and “poses immediate risks to U.S. national security.”
  • As you may have noticed, he’s an Islamophobe. Not a good position to hold when trying to deal with the ongoing series of Middle East Crises. (Not to mention, it destroys the myth of American impartiality when it comes to negotiations.)
  • Pompeo belongs to a group, (Member’s Bible Study) who’s illustrious members, past and present, include Jeff Sessions, Michele Bachmann, Steve King, Louie Gohmert and Mike Pence. The group is lead by Ralph Drollinger, an anti-LGBT clergyman who has called Catholicism the “world’s largest false religion.”

Referring to Pence, Sessions, and Pompeo, Dollinger stated,

Suddenly these men who have been discipled by the Church are in prominent positions of authority to change the course of America in ways that are biblical.

(Yeah, the “Revelations” part of the bible!)

Stay tuned!

Featured Image credit: Gage Skidmore

 

 

Confessions of a ‘Demon Possessed’ Progressive

Yes folks, evidently, somewhere within my inner being, there dwelleth a demon. What kind of demon, I’m not sure. It can’t be an Incubus  because I haven’t gotten laid in ages. Maybe it’s Beelzebub. I’ve always considered myself to be a “fallen angel.”

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a subscriber to any of the “Current Prevailing Mythologies,” although I think Zoroastrianism is a hoot! (Jews and Early Christians must have thought so as well, since they adopted so much of it.)

I am not an Agnostic. Agnostics are really just “Chicken Atheists”.

I’m a “real, live, full-blown, fire-breathing Atheist” complete with horns and a tail.dragon-253539_1280-1080x654OK, I exaggerated a little on that last bit. I am real and I am alive (at least the last time I checked). I am full (especially around dinnertime), but I haven’t been blown in ages. Also, my breath may be a mite odoriferous, but it isn’t really incendiary. (The breath from my nether “mouth” is another matter altogether.) And, the closest I get to “horns and a tail” is being horny for some tail. (Boy, am I gonna hear from the “Fems” on that one.)

However, despite my disbelief in things that go “Woo Woo” in the night, it seems I’ve been infected by one of the Woo-Wooers. At least that’s what court-marshaled and kicked out, ex Navy chaplain, Gordon Klingenschmitt, claims.

It seems I’ve had the temerity to criticize Gordon in the past. It all started back in May of 2015. At that time, Mr K wasn’t too tickled about SCOTUS refusing to hear a challenge to New Jersey’s law, banning conversion therapy.

Of course, he knew exactly why they took that awful position. SCOTUS was cooperating with demonic spirits. Upon learning about that, I decided to research and write a post on the matter.

Over the following months, I’ve had occassions to revisit this loony toon. I mean, how could I pass up a filbert who claims that the FCC lets demonic spirits molest and visually rape children.

Well, (And, you may notice a thread running through all this.) criticizing this crackpot brought on a bad case of demon possession.

Le’ me ‘splain, or rather, lat the Colorado Coo Coo ‘splain.

On a recent Pray in Jesus Name program, Mr K revisited his favorite theme:

There is a demonic spirit of persecution in the world. They all hate Christians and they want to silence us and they want to accuse us and they want to falsely attribute words to us that we never said and then they want to twist our words to claim that we are the haters, that we are the criminals for simply exposing their evil.

He went on to claim that Christians that tell the truth are “going to stir up some angry demons inside of your opposition.

That doesn’t mean the Christians are wrong. It means there is something inside of those other people that was there before we came and now it’s getting angry because it is being exposed and that is the demonic spirit.

Problem is, Gordon Klingenschmitt is NOT a “Christian!” He’s what I term a “Khristian.” Christ never taught the bullshit this anal pit spews. In fact, a good percentage of his oral bowel movements are antithetical to Christ’s teachings. (Yes folks, like most of you, I spent my childhood going to Sunday School.)

That, (at least according to him) still leaves me with my possession problem. I’m not into exorcisms, but I wonder if a good strong dose of Ipecac would work?

Speaking of medicine, if you’ve got some Emetrol handy, here’s the program segment:

Shameless Plug #1: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”). You might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Shameless Plug #2: If you happen to be connected to a major progressive news site, I’m looking for a gig. One that allows me to be me. (I have a hell of a hard time being someone else.) If you are such a person, give me a buzz over on “Grouchy’s Grumbles.”

Is Trump the Messiah or Just John the Baptist?

herr-rumpI swear this country is morphing into Bizarro World! Case in point: Monday morning, “end times” prophet and profiteer, Tom Horn, showed up on the “Jim Bakker Show” to claim that Donald Trump is either the Messiah or his forerunner.

Before I get into the fruit of this story, a bit of background on the nuts involved.

Those of you with longer memory spans, may recall Jim Bakker from his days as host of the PTL Club, although his then wife, Tammy Faye, (She of the bouffant hairdo and layer upon layer of makeup.) was more memorable. PTL stood for “Praise The Lord,” although, in Jim’s case, it seemed to stand for “Pass The Loot.”

He also built a Christian theme park, Heritage USA, raising the money through donations. (And diverting $3.4 million into his own wallet.)

In 1987, things rapidly unraveled. It was discovered that he had been paying church secretary, Jessica Hahn, to keep quiet about the time he and a fellow evangelist did the “horizontal mambo” with her after she had declined the honor! Due to the scandal, he quickly resigned from PTL.

Then, in 1988, Bakker was indicted on eight counts of mail fraud, 15 counts of wire fraud and one count of conspiracy. He was convicted on all 24 counts! He spent the next five years learning the fine points of boulder busting at several Iron Bar Inns. He was released on December 1st, 1994.

He’s now back in business as a televangelist, specializing in the coming apocalypse. Not to worry, Bakker has a store that will sell you all the food you need to survive it. (Of course, if you’re “raptured,” you probably won’t need it.)

Heritage USA closed down in 1989. Tammy Faye Divorced her husband in 1992 and married the man in charge of constructing Heritage USA the following year, after he divorced his wife. She passed away in 2007.

Tom Horn is not so well known as Bakker. (Unless you’re a member of the tinfoil toupee set.)

Horn is an ex Assembly of God bible thumper, turned “End Times” profiteer. He’s a prolific author, with book subjects ranging from extraterrestrials (Nephilim) to Jewish mysticism to the evils of Freemasonry and Catholicism to the Mayan Calendar “End of Days.” (Everybody but him, got it wrong. 2012 was just the start, 2016 is the apex.)

Horn also spreads this manure on his video podcast, Skywatch TV.

He’s HUGE on apocalyptic end times theories. And, he’ll be very happy to sell you everything you need to survive it, from pepper spray to porta potties  at survivormall.com(Once again, if you’re “raptured,” you may be wasting your money.)

Ok, the back has been grounded, on with the show.

On the Jim Baker Show, Horn claimed that Israeli rabbis (At least 12 of them.) have told him that Donald Trump is either the Messiah or the forerunner to same. According to those rabbis, Trump’s name “actually means ‘messiah.’” (Actually, it doesn’t. It’s derived from the early 16th century Middle English word, trumpen, meaning “deceive, cheat.”)

They’re sure of this because Trump is a kingly and warrior-like leader committed to protecting Israel and rebuilding the Temple of Jerusalem. Other clues include a 300 year old prophecy by a Jewish mystic that says the Messiah will come between “Oct 1st, 2016 and September 30th, 2017.” (year 5777 in the Jewish calendar)

Of course, according to those same rabbis, it’s possible that Trump isn’t the real Messiah. Evidently, the “real Messiah” has to be of the Dividic bloodline and Trump may be too Aryan. (He’s of German descent, after all.) Horn stated that the Rabbis are investigating Trump’s bloodline to see if he qualifies.

He may just be a “John the Baptist” type of forerunner. In other words, (Horn’s) Trump is “God’s messenger.” His inauguration will start the count-down to the Messiah’s appearance.

Grab some popcorn and check out the segment:

p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Featured Image credit: Gage Skidmore. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.0 Generic license.

Are Witches Advising High-Ranking Government Officials?

the-witches-are-hereIt’s a horrible time for “KKKhristians” (as opposed to “Christians”). The witches are here and it’s not even Halloween yet!

Not only that, but Muslims are being given “preferential treatment(Horror of horrors, three of them are even judges!) and “the cross is being degraded in America, the Christians are being—the very thing Jesus said would happen in the Last Days, that we would be, because we serve God, we would be attacked, we would be hated for the name of Christ’s sake. It seems like our nation is kinder to other faiths and Christianity is being put down further and further and further

Ok, let me explain a couple of things before we proceed with this nonsense:

  • Witches don’t exist! At least not the “flying by broomstick,” or “Double, double, toil and trouble” type. Yes, there are Wiccans, but by-and-large, they tend to be pacific in their beliefs and there’s no real magic about them.
  • I use the term “KKKhristians” because these troglodytes’ rantings are the antithesis of Christ’s teachings. He preached love, they preach hate.
  • Islam is just like any other “religion.” There’s good in it and there’s bad in it. If you’re going to judge all Muslims by ISIS, (which destroy’s Islamic holy sites with impunity and is deeply violent) then you have to judge Christianity by the KKK (which hates all races except Caucasian with impunity and has a deep history of violence).

In the fevered mind of some filberts, Islam is taking over the country, lead by that secret Muslim (and suspected Anti-Christ) Barack Hussein Obama. (FYI, his middle name proves he’s Muslim, just like mine “LeRoy” proves I’m a king.)

What’s the purpose of the Islamic conquest you might ask? Why, to impose Sharia Law, of course. (At least that’s what the religious trogs claim.) To be honest, I’m a bit confused why KKKhristians are so opposed to that, since Sharia Law is almost exactly the same as Evangelical Law, which they support.

Ok, so what do Muslims taking over and Witches in high councils have to do with one another?

Both “items” were the subject of discussion yesterday’s (9/22/16) on Jim Bakker’s program. You remember Jimmy. He’s the “family values” televangelist who cheated on his wife and diddled his secretary. Then he got several years of rock hockey lessons at the Iron Bar Inn for defrauding his “church.” Well, Jim’s out and back to the old con.

Jimmy was a bit unhappy about Obama having the nerve to nominate another Muslim attorney to be a federal judge. His guest was Robert Maginnis, a member of the Family Research Council. After Jimmy made the above “the cross is being degraded” statement, Bobby agreed, adding “the persecution against Christians is rampant in the Pentagon and that the Obama administration is aggressive against Christians.

He then went on to claim that he had met with witches that advised government big wigs in Washington D.C.

I have personally met people that refer to themselves as witches, people that say they advise the senior leadership of the country. We invite within the federal government people to advise us and often some of those advisers, I think, have evil motivations, things that you and I would not approve of.

If you have the stomach or the stomach medicine for it, here’s the video:

Mormonism: The Big Con? (pt 1: Joe & the Magic Hat Stone)

Before I get into Mormons, or as it informally calls itself, the LDS Church, I better restate my “I used to be one of them critters” disclaimer.

Yes folks, I was a “saint”! A latter day saint, to be specific. That’s what the LDS stands for. The church’s full name is “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

However, I grew up and now I’m an ex-Saint. A practicing Mormon might call me a “Jack Mormon”, but I prefer to think of myself as a “fallen angel”.

The following is a history of the early Mormon Church (complete with snarks). Believe it or not, almost all my source material comes from them. However, this is not the stuff they taught me back in my 4 years in seminary. Some of this is stuff they didn’t want to talk about at all!

But to be fair (for a change) the rise of Mormonism needs to be placed in context. I highly recommend you read “The Religious Wrong (pt 3: The Great(?) Awakening)” first. Better yet, since the context needs context, start with pt 1 and work your way back here. They’re fun reads, unless of course, you’re a “fundy” or a “bagger”. Then…..not so much.

Also, this post is not a slam on some of my good Mormon brethren & sisteren. (Is that a word?) As with all “religions” there are members who earnestly try to make this a better world. Unfortunately, as with all “religions” this one has its share of bigots and assholes as well. Although, lately they’ve lightened up a bit on blacks and transferred their hate to the LGBT community. (However, they do LOVE American Indians!)

Any excuse for a little “Satchmo”!

Mormon Chronology

Joseph Smith (1805-1844)

Joseph Smith (1805-1844)

 

(12/23/1805) Joseph Smith Jr. is born in Sharon Vermont.

The Smith family is rather itinerant, due to various failed business and farming ventures. In the warm weather, Joe Sr. and the older brothers (Hyrum & Alvin) like to go treasure hunting. (Which just might be part of the reason for those failures.)

Unfortunately, they don’t have any maps with “X” marking the spot. However, they do have divination tools. Among those tools are seer stones. Now, in order to get that “special sight” the stones are supposed convey, they have to be viewed in the bottom of a hat. (I shit you not!)

After three crop failures in a row, the Smith family moves to Palmyra, New York. (1816) Palmyra is right in the middle of the “Burned-Over District“, a hotbed of evangelical fervor. (Or fever, if you prefer.)

The 1st Vision

1st Vision Joe Jr. supposedly is confused with all the different religions with their conflicting “truths”, so he decides to take a walk in the woods to sort it out. Smith tells several different versions about when it happens. In one, he claims he was 14. (1819) Another time he was 16. (1821) Another time he split the difference. (1820)

According to the stories, he witnesses a pillar of light (a sunbeam?) descending from the sky and out pops Big Daddy and J.C.. (Hmmm, I wonder what kind of mushrooms were in season?)

They proceed to inform him that all the religions have drifted from “THE TRUTH”, and are essentially various piles of crap and stay away from them. Later, when he tells a local minister what Big Daddy said, for some reason the minister takes umbrage. (I can’t imagine why.)

(Fair warning: I may be an atheist, but I LOVE good gospel music.)

Now, here’s the part that floors me. To explain, I’ll resort to one of my infamous “Grouchy Scenarios”:

For this one, you’re Joe Jr.. You’ve just had a close encounter of the third kind with God and Jesus. Not only that, but they went out of their way to come down and talk to you personally. Do you: 1) drop everything and devote your life and all your energies to these guys; or 2) go on pretty much as if nothing had happened?

Jr. chooses door #2!

He tells his family, the minister and a few others (who basically laugh at him). Other than that, every thing goes on as normal. He continues farming with the family and going treasure hunting with daddy’s stones. In fact, he doesn’t come up with a detailed description of the event until 1838. (Kinda makes you wonder…..)

But, here’s the kicker: Not only did several family members subsequently join the Presbyterian Church, Joe Jr. applied with the Methodists in 1828.

(9/21/1823) Joe Jr. gets a night-time visit from an “angel” named Moroni. Btw, Mormon angels don’t have wings. I guess they teleport or something. (Maybe they borrow floo powder or a portkey from Harry.) Little Golden BookMoroni tells him that there’s a book written on “Golden Plates” that are buried on Cumorah Hill, conveniently located just a short hike south.

The next day, Jr. digs up the plates. but Moroni tells him he can’t have them for four years. Not only that, but he has to show up every year on this date for further instructions.

A couple of years later (1825) Jr. & Sr. Smith go treasure hunting in Harmony PA. They never find any treasure, but Jr. finds Emma Hale.

(3/1826) The local fuzz bust Jr. for fraudulent use of seer stones.He’s arrested, jailed, and examined in court in Bainbridge, New York on the charge of being “a disorderly person and an impostor” (Can you say “scam artist”?) in connection with his use of a seer stone to search for buried treasure. The evidence indicates he’s found guilty but he’s apparently released on the condition that he leave the area. Quinn, pp. 44ff.; and H. Michael Marquardt and Wesley P. Walters, Inventing Mormonism: Tradition and the Historical Record (Salt Lake City: Smith Research Associates, 1994), pp. 70ff.

This event goes on right in the middle of the time Jr. is receiving “heavenly instructions” on how to con, excuse me, “save” the world.

The church used to deny this ever happened. Even going so far as to say: “if this court record is authentic, it is the most damning evidence in existence against Joseph Smith.” Hugh W. Nibley, The Myth Makers (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1961), p. 142.

In 1971, the original court records were found. And, they were authentic!

(1/18/1827) Two years after they meet, Jr. & Emma elope to get married. (Emma’s daddy doesn’t much care for Jr. and Big Daddy must be a mite pissed at Jr. as well, their first three children die on the day they are born.) Emma is to play a major role in the early church, and another role after her husband dies. More on those down the timeline.

(10/22/1827) Joe finally gets his hands on the “golden plates”, (Now that he’s married, I’ll drop the Jr. but I think I know him well enough to call him Joe.) but is told he can’t show them to anyone. (Always a convenient excuse.) He does show his mother a pair of specs with gemstones for lenses. The stones are to be used to translate the plates, since the plates are written in “Reformed Egyptian”. Unfortunately, no other examples of this language have ever been found (or even heard of).

The gemstones, believe it or not, (and, I don’t) are the Urim & Thummim of Old Testament fame. They pop up several times: Exodus 28:30; Leviticus 8:8; Ezra 2:63; Nehemiah 7:65 & Deuteronomy 33:8 with Urim doing a solo in Numbers 27:21 & 1 Samuel 28:6. They were usually associated with the High Priest’s breastplate. Priestly Garments

(12/1827) Rumors of a Golden Bible started getting around the neighborhood and Joe & Emma decide to split before someone comes looking for it. A neighbor (Martin Harris) gives them some money and they hightail it back to Harmony with the plates, as the story goes, hidden in a barrel of beans. (I’ll refrain from any “spill the beans” jokes, although it’s extremely tempting.)

The Magic Translation

Safely ensconced in a small house on Emma’s daddy’s property, the work commences. Joe “translates” the plates, with Emma writing down his translation.

And, this is where it gets a smidgin confusing to yours truly. Allow me to elucidate:

Joe has the plates and the U&T specs. Logically, one would assume that Joe would put on the specs, look through the U&T lenses at the plates and commence to translate.

WRONG!!!

Remember back early in this saga, when I mentioned the use of a hat to get that “special sight”? Well, that’s the way he translates the plates. Instead of looking at them, he translates them by looking into his hat.

Don’t take my word for it. Here’s how Emma describes the scene to one of her sons (Joe III): In writing for your father I frequently wrote day after day, often sitting at the table close by him, he sitting with his face buried in his hat, with the stone in it, and dictating hour after hour with nothing between us.” History of the RLDS Church, 8 vols. Independence, Missouri: Herald House, 1951. Last Testimony of Sister Emma, 3:356Working the Stones(In other words, he pulls “The Book of Mormon” out of his hat!)

Also, in a bit of foreshadowing, you might notice something interesting about that reference source. R you up to figuring it out? If not, we’ll get reorganized in a few episodes.

As for the plates themselves, they weren’t even in the room. According to Emma’s daddy, “The manner in which he pretended to read and interpret, was the same as when he looked for the money-diggers, with a stone in his hat, and his hat over his face, while the Book of Plates were at the same time hid in the woods.”. Affidavit of Isaac Hale dated March 20, 1834, cited in Rodger I. Anderson, Joseph Smith’s New York Reputation Reexamined, (Salt Lake City: Signature Books, 1990), pp. 126-128.

You’ll notice in both accounts, there’s no mention of the “gemstone specs”. They both refer to a singular stone in the bottom of his hat. I wonder if this the same stone, or its brother, that got him busted back in ’26?

The Lost “Book of Lehi”

Martin Harris (1783-1875)

Martin Harris (1783-1875)

(4/1828) Martin Harris travels to Harmony and takes over writing Joe’s translation dictation. Marty is ……….oh …… what’s the polite word?……oh yeah. “Interesting”. An impolite description would sound something like “A bit of a loon.” (Multiple examples forthcoming.)

Marty sort of cleans up the single stone/U&T specs confusion by saying that the stone isn’t the Urim or the Thummin, It’s just Joe’s old “seer stone”.

Over the next couple of months they write “The Book of Lehi”, 116 pages in total. This is to be the first book in the BoM. At this point, Marty takes the 116 pages back to Palmyra to show his wife what he’s up to.

And…..he….”LOSES” THEM!

Two month’s translation effort of holy(?) words, and they’re not important enough to keep track of? Or even to make a back-up copy????

After a couple of months, Joe wonders what the hell happened to Marty. He heads back to Palmyra to find out.

He finds out!

He also finds out Big Daddy ain’t too tickled with the situation. BD teleports one of his angels to take back the plates. (Not to worry, fairy tale fans, it’s only temporary.)

(10/22/1828) Joe gets the plates back.

So at this point it should be a simple matter just to retranslate the missing pages and press on with the rest of the translation.

Right?

Evidently not! There are a couple of problems here: One’s real and one’s not-so-real. And, of course, the not-so-real problem is the one the church hides behind.

Before I tackle those, let me step out of the narrative for a moment.

This situation exposes one aspect of a much larger question: Where did the BoM really come from? In researching these posts, I’ve run across some solid arguments, with some rather persuasive evidence, that it has a less than holy origin.

My problem as a blogger, is that I am a blogger, and not a book writer. And, to really explore this particular question in-depth is going to take something more book length than blog length. Characters like Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery (whom you’re about to meet) figure into it along with some published and non-published books that were written prior to 1828. And then there’s related issues like “The Book of Abraham”. “The Kinderhook Plates” and the “Greek Psalter Incident”.

So, instead of exploring all of these in depth as I’d like to, I’m going to provide links to my information sources as I go along, and you can investigate at your pleasure.

Ok, back to the narrative!

First, let’s tackle the “not-so-real” problem that the church likes so much:

According to the church, this episode is Satan’s plan to trap Joe and destroy the church before it even gets started. They know this, because that’s what Big Daddy told Joe. (Or, at least that’s what Joe says BD told him.)

BD said that wicked men had altered the manuscript . So, if Joe retranslates the lost pages, they will claim he’s a phony because he can’t duplicate the original.

There’s one HUGE problem with this cop-out: Martin Harris wrote down the translation in ink on foolscap. Any changes would be immediately noticeable, and if they rewrote the 116 pages, it would be pretty easy to spot as a forgery since it wouldn’t have been in Marty’s handwriting.

Now, the real problem:

Lucy Harris (1792-1836)

Lucy Harris (1792-1836)

Marty probably didn’t really lose the 116 pages. The evidence seems to suggest that his wife Lucy purloined them. (For you baggers reading this, purloined means stole.) Most researchers agree that she probably promptly burns them.

But Joe just can’t take the chance of them being gone forever. In Joe’s mind, the “wicked men” are Lucy. Lucy can’t stand her husband’s “Mormonite” friends, as she calls them. She thinks they’re frauds and phonies. And, it’s Lucy that’s setting a trap.

However, keep in mind that it’s only a trap if the whole thing is a scam, since any alteration or rewriting of the original would be immediately noticed.

Fortunately, BD knew thousands of years ago that this was going to happen. He had one of his profits prophets write a whole second book that covered the same things the “Book of Lehi” covered, only in different words and not quite the detail.

Viola! Problem solved. No way to compare texts. No way to prove Joe lied through his hat.

Oliver Cowdery (1806-1850)

Oliver Cowdery (1806-1850)

(4/5/1829) Oliver Cowdery comes to Harmony and takes up Harris’ old job as secretary. Ollie tells Joe that he’s already seen the plates in a “vision” aka “state of altered consciousness”. (Carlos Castaneda would be so proud.) And, it turns out that Ollie, like his cousin Joe, is a treasure hunter. Ollie even has his own divining rod.

Ollie’s description of the translation process doesn’t mention the hat, but the U&T is back and being used. (Probably just needed a little “spiritual refurbishment”.)

To further confuse the confusion, after 1833 the gemstones (the U&T) are somehow integrated into the hat stone, so that now, there’s just the one stone. Which, the church says, is safely tucked away. In other words, if they really, really wanted to prove the authenticity of the magic stone’s translation ability, they could do it? (Hmmmm.)

The Return of the Holy Ghosts

(5/15/1829) Joe & Ollie head out to the woods to pray and John the Baptist shows up. (Must be mushroom season again.) Big John confers the Aaronic priesthood on them. He tells them that the Melchizedek priesthood will also be making a comeback, but not quite yet.

In fact, no one knows when the Melchizedek priesthood comes back. Joe never tells anyone how or when it happens.

LDS theologians think it happened sometime before the church was established a few months later, since part of the initial church organization included “Elders”, and Elder is the lowest rank of the Melchizedek. Other than that tidbit, they don’t have a clue.

The Melchizedek is considered the senior priesthood, with the Aaronic being the junior. Nowadays, the Aaronic is primarily for male teenagers. (Went up through the ranks myself.) Back when I was a Mormon, it was for WHITE male teenagers. At 19, you graduate to Elder.

Big John also tells them that Joe will be the 1st Elder of the Church and Ollie the 2nd. Joe & Ollie then proceed to baptize each other in the Susquehanna. (I’m not quite sure why Big John doesn’t do the honors. After all, he’s the pro.)

A bit later, Joe & Ollie are praying in the woods, and who drops by to chat? Peter, Paul & Mary! (Oops, sorry ’bout that!) I mean Peter, James & John. Still, all-in-all, some pretty heavy hitters. (Damn! I have got to find out what type of mushrooms are native to the area.)

(6/1829) The translation’s finished, and Joe gets a copyright for The Book of Mormon.

Next episode, things start rolling. There’s some “witnessing”. We meet most of the early players. The book is printed. The church is organized. The fun begins.

Until then, take care.

Grouchy

p.s. There are 14 varieties of “magic mushrooms” that grow in New York state.

Idaho faith healer: ‘Medicine is a product from Satan’

Laying_on_of_handsIdaho is in the news again. Oregon’s beautiful, but slightly wacky neighbor (It’s Tea Party troglodyte heaven, seasoned with a large dash of Mormon style fundamentalism.) is considering whether to remove a shield law that allows parents to kill their children by denying them proper medical care because “religion.”

After two children died from lack of medical care because of the parents’ beliefs, the Governor, Butch Otter, ordered a task force to look into the situation.

As you can see from the chart below, Idaho is one of nine states where you can get away with negligent homicide, manslaughter or capital murder because “Big Daddy” told you to do it. It’s also a “get out of jail free” card in Washington, Iowa, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Ohio, West Virginia and Virginia.
(You pull that shit in Oregon and we’ll give you a multi-year vacation at the Iron Bar Inn.)

(Click to enlarge)

(Click to enlarge)

You’ll find a lot more info on the subject at Child Inc.

Last Thursday, (8/9/16) the Idaho legislature held hearings on the matter. Among those testifying, was self-professed “faith healer,” Dan Sevy. (Ever notice that these charlatans are always “self-professed?”) Accompanying Dan were 12 of “God’s groupies” from the cult-like church, “Followers of Christ.”

According to their post in Wikipedia, among the “Followers of Christ” doctrines is “a literal interpretation of scripture, including in the power of faith healing…the use of prayer and laying on of hands by church elders is believed able to cure illness…members of the Followers of Christ refuse all forms of medicine and professional medical care…The church practices shunning of those who violate or challenge church doctrine, including those who seek medical treatment.

In fairness (and more than a little embarrassment) I have to admit that the “Followers of Christ” organization is based in Oregon (with “churches” in a few other states, including Idaho). In fact, they are the reason we have strict laws against this sort of thing.

After several cases of members’ children “gone to meet their maker” a bit early because faith, prayers and laying hands on them didn’t cut it, the Oregon legislature “murdered” the religious exemption unanimously.

Which brings us back to the aforementioned “faith healer” and his attempt to keep Idaho from doing the same.

In his testimony, Sevy stated,

I want to point out that we believe in freedom of health care. Not free health care, but freedom of choice in health care.

Translation (according to church precepts): “We believe in the freedom to deny health care to the sick and dying.”

He continued,

And there’s no greater suffering than one that is personal to oneself, whether it be himself or his children, and I as a parent find the suffering of my children far greater than my own.

At this point, a State Senator, Jeff Siddoway, commented that he is religious (Mormon) and considers medicine one of God’s gifts. (If that’s true, Big Daddy was a few thousand years late in giving it.)

Sevy wasn’t buying that!

We believe that pharmaceuticals and medicine is a product from Satan. Proof can be found in one of the lost books of Enoch.

Equating it with “witchcraft and sorcery,” he continued,

Those who imbibe in those things will not attain a home in heaven…We do disagree with medicine and believe that it puts our very eternal lives in jeopardy…Our goal is eternity, it isn’t here. Our goal is not suffering…If the statute is changed, I’ll not change anything I do.

Btw, Sevy was the father of five children. Only three survived!

Will the task force make any recommendations to the legislature? And, if they do, will the legislature do anything about it?

I wouldn’t be inclined to hold my breath. After all this is the state legislature that passed a law requiring that the bible be part of the curriculum in courses such as law, philosophy, ethics, astronomy, biology, geology, world geography and archaeology. (Fortunately, the governor vetoed the law.)

However, if you think shield laws like this should be dumped in the trash where they belong, there is an online petition to get Idaho to do something about it. You’ll find it here.

Stay tuned!

In the meantime, check out the “faith healer’s” performance below and see how many “rotten tomatoes” you think it deserves.

Photo Credit: Public Domain photograph courtesy of Wikipedia.
Chart courtesy of http://childrenshealthcare.org
Video courtesy of The Idaho Statesman