Rapture Begins Saturday as ‘Planet Nibiru’ Collides with Earth

Are you righteous enough to be “raptured?”

If not, stop by Jim Bakker’s website to pick up your needed survival food and gear. But, you better get your tail a-movin’ because we’re going to collide with another planet, come Saturday [9/23/17].

COST SAVING ALERT!!!:

If the planet playing bumper-cars has a diameter of more than 60 miles, save your money. Anything larger than that and microbes may not survive.

It seems, according to noted numerologist David Mead, there’s a solar planet called “Nibiru” with a 3000 year orbit that’s going to get a bit too friendly on Saturday.

For starters, he’s got the number to prove it: 33!

As Mead explained it to the Washington Post,

Jesus lived for 33 years. The name Elohim, which is the name of God to the Jews, was mentioned 33 times [in the Bible] It’s a very biblically significant, numerologically significant number. I’m talking astronomy. I’m talking the Bible … and merging the two.

And, wouldn’t you know it, this Saturday is 33 days after the solar eclipse. (More on that in a bit.)

Speaking of stuff in the”Good Book,” there’s this gem that’s supposed to occur at the same time.

And a great sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of 12 stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pains and the agony of giving birth. – Revelation 12:1-2

In case you missed the “true meaning” of that, the woman is the constellation Virgo, her soon-to-be-born son is Jupitor. In other words, the moon, Jupitor and the constellation Virgo are all lined up like a row of ducks. This is supposed to harold J.C.’s “2nd Coming.”

One teensy-weentsy problem with that. It happens about every 12 years

(Btw, would J.C. be riding in on Nibiru or would he have separate transportation?)

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

And there shall be signs in the sun, and in the moon, and in the stars; and upon the earth distress of nations, with perplexity; the sea and the waves roaring. – Luke 21:25

Signs in the sun and in the moon = Solar Eclipse: CHECK (Of course, there are, on average, two to four solar eclipses every year.)

And in the stars = Stars going supernova: CHECK (Stars go supernova in the universe, about every second or so.)

Distress of nations = Rump bragging about starting a nuclear war: CHECK (The earth has been under that threat for 70 years from people almost as nut-cake as he is.)

The sea and the waves roaring = Hurricanes: CHECK (Several hurricanes are spawned every year. Yes, they’re getting worse, but that’s due to climate change, not “the 2nd Coming.”)

Oh, and there’s one other minor problem with this scenario: NIBIRU DOESN’T EXIST!

There may be more undiscovered solar planets out there. Very possibly are! However, a planet heading towards Earth could be seen with the naked eye even if it were still nine months out, let alone a few days.

Check out this WaPo article.

In the meantime, enjoy the video. You might get a chuckle or three.

Stay tuned!

Oh, and have a great “End of Days” party Saturday.

Grouchy

Featured Image Credit: NASA/JPL-Caltech/T. Pyle (SSC)

p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Wingnut Binds Anti-Trump Demons And Saves ‘Murica!

Rick Wiles has had a wild week.

It was just a couple of days ago [7/2/17] that I covered his brain(?)storm of an idea that Trump (aka “Hair Fuhrer,” aka “Rump.”) should grant Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio a pardon for his conviction for Criminal Contempt and hire him to run the Department of Homeland Security. (Just what ‘Murica needs, one of the biggest racial bigots behind a badge since Bull Conner, in charge of Immigration.)

And then, as a public dooty, (Not a misspelling!) the Rickster alerted the nation of the vile “Deep State Goon Squad” that’s been going around, beating up poor politicians.

As evidence, he cited John McCain’s stitches above his eye, George Bush Sr. choking on a pretzel, (Little) Dick Cheney’s busted lip, Harry Reid’s eye injury and Colin Powell’s broken arm. (Or was it a broken leg?)

What I do recall, through the years, is how many national politicians have had injuries that, to me, were suspicious. Maybe all of these are coincidences, or maybe they’re not. Maybe there is a shadow government that roughs up the politicians when they don’t do all the dirty, evil things that they want done.

Among other “Deep State” dirty deeds: they sent the Capitol Police Containment and Emergency Response Team to the wrong location during the attack on a GOP congressional baseball practice.

Wiles claimed this was intentionally done to “give the gunman more time” to kill as many Congressmen as possible.

Then Ricky went and saved ‘Murica. (Whatta guy!)

It was laborious endeavor, but somebody had to do it! (It took him a whole five minutes!)

Being a “Khristian” (as opposed to “Christian”) prophet…profit, he knew exactly what to do. Simply bind the demonic spirits that are bent on destroying Hair Fuhrer and starting a civil war.

I’ll let the Rickster explain. (As only he, Alex Jones, Jim Bakker and a few others can.)

These are demonic spirits attempting to start a civil war in this country. If they think that they are going to succeed in removing the president of the United States and this country is not going to erupt into a civil war, these people are totally deluded and full of pompous pride. They will destroy the country and they cannot be allowed to do it.

They are acting under the spirit of Lucifer and therefore we, the church, have authority … [to] bind these devils and let’s loose angels to protect the president.

We bind every demonic, evil, wicked, satanic spiri. We bind all of those demonic spirits that are operating in the White House, in the Congress, in the intelligence agencies, in the Pentagon, anywhere in this nation to destabilize the president of the United States and to cause our government to collapse. We bind those evil spirits and we render them paralyzed.

Now, why didn’t I think of that?…(Oh yeah, because “demonic spirits” are fig newtons of an addlepated mind.)

But WAIT! There’s more. Our Rickster’s not just a “3-trick jackass!” (He’s at least a “4.”)

Not content with saving the nation, (or at least his version of it) Ricky decided to tackle a really BIGLY YUUGE problem: cleaning up the mess that masquerades as the “White House.” But not to worry, he knows exactly what to do. He’s gonna “PRAY IT AWAY!”

At this point, a bit of context is in odor…er order.

You see the WH disfunction isn’t caused by leaks or tweets or incompetence. Nosiree! It’s because there’s fighting between factions. For instance, there’s “The Good Guys.” That would be Bannon and Flynn and their buds. And, on the other side, you’ve got “The Bad Guys.” You know, pointy-headed intelligence people, diplomats, Democrat moles, and most especially, National Security Advisor, H.R. McMaster.

It seems that McMaster has a nasty habit of firing some “Good Guys” for super-silly reasons like bias, bigotry or downright incompetence.

Well, Ricky’s had it!

I’m fed up with putting up with this stuff. From now on we go on the offensive in the spirit and we become warriors against this evil force and we call upon the name of the God of this universe and we ask Him to come and fight for us and defeat these wicked people.

Not only that, but the “Holy Spirit” (aka “Sacred Spook”) told him personally that McMaster had to go because he’s an evil globalist. trying to destroy our gearless leader.

Father, we ask that you remove Gen. McMaster from the White House as director of national security. Let this be done quickly as a show of your force, as a show of your intervention in the affairs of this country

Personal note to the Rickster: You might want to change your supplier for your tinfoil toupees, your current ones seem to leak a lot.

He’s done,” Wiles said. “I believe that with all my heart and mind.”

Stay tuned!

Grouchy
p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Wingnut Preacher: Trump ‘Receives Downloads’ From God

Everybody’s (not-so) favorite ex-con/current con artist, Jim Bakker, loves to have fellow filberts on his Survivalist Infomercial (aka “The Jim Bakker Show“). This week, one of the guests was a Khristian (as opposed to “Christian”) bible-beater named Frank Amedia.

For those of you fortunate enough not to have run across Mr. Ameia, he’s a self-anointed “apostle” who claims to have single-handedly stopped waves from the 2011 tsunami in Japan from hitting a Hawaiian island. (King Canute is spinning in his grave.)

I stood at the edge of my bed and I said, ‘In the name of Jesus, I declare that tsunami to stop now.’ And I specifically said, ‘I declare those waters to recede.’

He’s also a self-proclaimed profit….er, “prophet.” and joined other profits (Damn! Did it again.) prophets, to create a “POTUS Shield.” After all, Trump was (according to these nut jobs)God’s Guy,” annointed by Big Daddy hisownself. (I wonder what grade of crude oil, B.D. used?)

Well, I gotta tell ya, this bit of butt bussing impressed Trump (aka Herr Rump) sooo much that he made Frank and some of the gang, Official Trump “Christian policy liaisons.”

Anyway, as I said earlier, Frank and fellow flibert, Jim, got to gether this week so that Frank could regale us with his tales of Trump prophecies that slipped through his tinfoil toupee.

Among the tales was one of Big D. oiling (Did he use Exon oil?) up Herr Rump with a “Breaker Anointment,” so that Rump could break up things. You know, like the Republican and Democratic parties, as well as the news media. (Other than the Bullshit Mtn variety, of course.)

So, watch out, Kim Jong-un, YHWH’s “Breaker-in-Chief” is on the loose and looking at you!

So, you know, North Korea, you’d better be on your toes because you’re up against a breaker anointing of God. This isn’t about politics, this isn’t government as usual, this isn’t even militaristic, God has raised up…a breaker anointing. Anything that God opposes him against, he breaks up. He broke up the Republican Party…he broke up the Democratic Party, he broke up the news media. Everything that comes against him, he has a hammer against. So, I’m telling you, North Korea, you’d better stand down because you’re up against the breaker anointing of God.

Frank also had a few things to say about Herr Rumps fave-o-rite night-time activity: tweeting. According to Frank the twit’s tweets are part of the “gift of wisdom” that Elohim (Another of the Big Guy’s many aliases.) gave the Trumpster. Besides, because of Herr Rump’s “God-given gift of discernment,” being Prexy is a boring job and our pear-less leader needs distraction.

I believe he receives downloads that now he’s beginning to understand come from God.

(I have to wonder if Frank isn’t getting the “guy in the sky” and Putin confused.)

Stay tuned! (Or not.)

Grouchy

h/t: Right Wing News

Featured Image Credit: YouTube screen grab
p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Gohmert: No Town Hall Because Some Loony Lefty Might “2nd Amendment Solution” Him

Louie GohmertMy favo-right Texass Tea Potty filbert is back in the news. The one, the only, (thank goodness) “Screwy” Louie Gohmert! (I have a huge weakness for silly and in that category, “Screwy” Louie leads the league!)

As you may have noticed, this has NOT been a good week for Republican regressives, town hall wise. Those that have held them, faced angry crowds obsessed with the probable upcoming loss of their health insurance.

One explanation for this is that a lot of their constituents found out that the “Obamacare” that they hated was actually the “Affordable Care Act,” that they loved.

Another explanation, one much favored by these self-same regressive Republicans, is that it was all organized and paid for by elite lefties like George Soros and his ilk. (If so, why wasn’t I informed of this cushy gig?)

Other “representatives of the people” took the Yellow Road to Chickenville and refused to hold town halls or even meet with their constituents. Care to guess which group, Screwy Louie  joined?

Tuesday, (2/21/17) a group in Screwy’s district, called “Indivisible of Smith County” called for a town hall meeting. Sadly, their man(?) in congress declined. However, you do have to give him half a point for coming up with the sorriest excuse so far.

Unfortunately, at this time there are groups from the more violent strains of the leftist ideology, some even being paid, who are preying on public town halls to wreak havoc and threaten public safety. Threats are nothing new to me and I have gotten my share as a felony judge. However, the House Sergeant at Arms advised us after former Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot at a public appearance, that civilian attendees at Congressional public events stand the most chance of being harmed or killed—just as happened there.

Point of clarification: Jared Lee Loughner, the Gabby Giffords shooter, was NOT an adherent of “leftist ideology!” He was a right-wing filbert with severe mental problems. (Btw, Screwy Louie just voted to give the mentally questionable greater access to firearms.)

As a back-up reason for avoiding the possible unpleasantry, he stated,

In the same amount of time it takes to have a town hall meeting, which usually has between 30 and 100 attendees in east Texas, I can communicate with thousands of my constituent bosses through a telephone town hall meeting.

The nice thing about telephone town halls is that they are easier to control and there’s none of those unpleasant “YouTube Moments.”

He finished his declaration of avoidance by saying,

Though I am saddened if you are upset with my positions, they do appear to reflect a majority of east Texans’ views.

Since he is desperately trying to avoid dialogue with his constituents, I’m not quite sure how he would know that.