Wingnut Claims Millions Are Dying To Hear Him

The Setup

Dave “Duh Coach” Daubenmire had a dream.

However, it wasn’t quite on the level of Martin Luther King’s dream. Martin’s was about people being free. Duh Coach’s was about butts in the seats and bucks in the bank. (You don’t think these filberts do their monkey dances for free, do you?)

First, a bit of background for those of you who haven’t had the (dis)pleasure of knowing who the hell this kook is.

The Background

As a tried and true tinfoil toupeed troglodyte, Duh Coach checks the appropriate boxes:

  • Advocates violence against “infidels” (aka, people who don’t buy his skewed, screwed up version of religion.) Check (I call people like Duh, “Khristians,” because they sure as hell ain’t Christians.)
  • Believes vaccines make people gay by changing our DNA. Check (Didn’t do it for me and I’ve been punctured dozens of times.)
  • Suggests Oprah wants to kill off old white right-wing duds. Check (That’s “duds,” not “dudes.” Some of them duds are dudetts.)
  • Thinks paying taxes is a sin. Check (Whatever happened to Matthew 22:21: “Render unto Ceasar…?”)
  • Claims public schools are “dens of the devil” and students are being “spiritually” raped. Check (All that book learnin’ makes ’em believe god-awful things like being gay is not a choice and other such blasphemy.)
  • Says “God killed those people” in the Las Vegas massacre. Check (I’ve always wondered why Big Daddy needs hitmen. He can cause an earthquake to swallow up thousands just by farting a certain way.)
  • There’s a hell of a lot more, but you get the picture.

Ok, the back has been grounded, on to the “dream!”

The Dream

In Duh’s dream, he was driving to a speaking engagement in Indianapolis when he ran into a humongous traffic jamb at the edge of the city. While he was stalled in traffic, a cop pulled up and told him that the jamb was caused by people wanting to see him. The cop invited him to climb into the back seat of his 5-0 chariot and then drove him to the over-stuffed event. (Leaving his car on the middle of the traffic jamb?)

According to Duh Coach, the dream was Big Daddy sending him a d-mail.

You know what the Lord was telling me? You know what I know? There are millions dying to hear what I have to say.

Somebody better warn Neosho, MO! Thats his next major event and lordy, they’re gonna be swamped. There’s only 11,835 [2010 Census] souls in the bitty burg and I don’t think the high school football field will even hold that many.

The Plan

But, that’s just the beginning! With fever-dreams of finally breaking into the “bigs” in the “J.C.-Was-A-White-Right-Wing-Pre-American,-Trump-Is-Big-Daddy’s-Anointed,-And-God’s-Gonna-Get-Us-Because-Gays-And-Abortion” circuit, Da Coach is planning BIGLY! This summer he’s gonna do “a nationwide, 30-city, 50-city assault on everything evil!”

We are God’s A team. We are the agitators. We’re the provocateurs, we’re the ones who are going to provoke [people] to love and to good works. You say, ‘Coach, you sure are arrogant.’ Well, I tell you, we can do what Martin Luther King Jr. did. We can do that.

Earth to anal pit: Just because you had a dream, don’t make you no MLK.

He preached love. You deal in hate!

Grouchy
p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

 

 

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