Jim Bakker, the self-anointed profit, (Yes, that’s the correct word when it comes to Jimbo.) is upset that some people consider him a con artist and/or a joke! And, some people (such as yours truly) have a hell of a lot lower opinion of him.
For those of you just back from wind surfing on Neptune, a bit of background may be in order.
While serving time at the Iron Bar Inn for various offenses including fraud, Jimbo dreamed up a new scam: Survival Food.
Now, in order to sell survival food, there has to be something to survive. So, Jimbo became a “Khristian” (As opposed to “Christian.”) End Times preacher. His programs are full of prophecies of doom and worse.
Here’s where the propheting for profit comes in, and it goes something like this:
- Buy my food buckets before the Muslims take over.
- God will send earthquakes to punish counties that voted for Clinton. Buy my buckets if you want to survive.
- Ringling Brothers Circus closing was a sign from God about the Last Days. Better hurry and stock up!
- Trump opponents have triggered the Apocalypse. Hurry while supplies last.
- We’re heading for a hellish 42 months on Planet Earth. We’re having a sale!
- My buckets will prevent you from resorting to cannibalism. (Always a good thing!)
There’s only one itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, little spanner in the works. None of this has happened or is happening! (Other than Ringling Brothers closing because the circus wasn’t drawing flies.)
- No Muslim take over.
- No big Blue State earthquakes. (A couple monster hurricanes ravaging Red States, though.)
- If the Apocalypse is on, when was the rapture? (Did Jimbo and the gang miss the rocket ship?)
- As for the “hellish 42 months?” Well, Rump is still squatting in the Oval Office, so we’ll have to see on that one.
The thing is, people are noticing that Jimbo’s batting average wouldn’t get him on a T-ball team and we’re letting other people know.
Well, Jimbo’s had it and he’s gotten Big Daddy (or whoever the voice in his head is) on his side as well!
When God says something to you, you don’t always know the exact time it’s going to happen. [So] stop beating up the prophets because God says, ‘Woe unto you when you beat up on the prophets.’
God is speaking to his people. The only ones who probably aren’t talking to God these days are mean people in America, people who just are anti-Christ.
If you don’t want to hear it, just shut me off. Especially you folks that monitor me every day to try to destroy me. Just go away. You don’t have to be there, you don’t have to hear it. But one day, you’re going to shake your fist in God’s face and you’re going to say, ‘God, why didn’t you warn me?’ And He’s going say, ‘You sat there and you made fun of Jim Bakker all those years. I warned you but you didn’t listen.’
Earth to Jimbo: Here’s what Big Daddy really said about you. It’s from Ezekiel 13:9:
My hand will be against the prophets who see false visions and utter lying divinations.
Featured Image Credit: screen shot
p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it. I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).