Jim Bakker Promotes His New Survival Food With A Horrible Bee Gees Cover

Jim Bakker’s got a sweeeet thing going.

After several years R&R at the Ironbar Inn for various naughty-naughties, he’s devised a new scheme for rakling in the Benjamins: He’s an “End-Times” screacher…er “preacher.” Instead of promoting the “fire & brimstone” that awaits your arrival in Hell, he’s bringing it right down (up?) here to Earth.

So, you’re asking yourself, “How does that bring in the big bucks?” (I’m sooo glad you asked!)

Almost every “religion” has their version of “the last days.” (Personally, I prefer the Norse “Ragnarök” version with Odin, Thor, Loki and that whole Asgardian gang.) One thing almost all of the versions agree on, is that the “End Times” are not going to be the “Fun Times!” They envision a multi-system breakdown and a collapse of the social order!

What’s a Big Daddy fearing individual supposed to do when the fecal material hits the fan? What if they’re a bit too sinful to be “raptured?” How is he/she, and dependents, going to survive?

Ok, first lets get rid of that “Rapture” nonsense. It ain’t in the bible, folks. It was invented in 1830 by John Nelson Darby. Oh, and those 144,000 mentioned in Revelations? They seem to be reserected, not raptured, Jewish virgins. 12,000 from each tribe. (So, unless you’re a dead Jew who never “did the deed,” you’re out of luck!)

However, fear not, true believers! Bakker has not only manufactured the problem, he’s figured out how to profit from it: JIMBO SELLS SURVIVAL GEAR AND FOOD!

And, speaking of survival food, Brother Bakker is now promoting a “NEW & IMPROVED” name for his vittles. It’s now called “Staying Alive!” (Can you dig it?) AND it now has enough preservatives in it that it won’t rot for 30 years! HALLELUJAH!

He devoted part of his “Jim Bakker Show” on Tuesday, to spreading the “GOOD NEWS” about his tummy treats.

This show today is so important. God woke me up and I felt the presence of God like I never felt and He said, ‘Jim, I want you to do more food, build a new type of food.’

This is what God is saying to me. We’re in the Last Days. The years I spent in prison, God showed me the revelation and I’m telling you, almost all of it [has already happened.] We’re going to see the End of Time and that is where we are right now.

If you’ve got the Emetrol handy, here’s the whole pius pitch, including “NEW & IMPROVED(?)” lyrics to the Bee Gee’s “Stayin’ Alive.”

DANGER WILL ROBINSON: The music commences at about the 1:30 mark!

For those of you who prefer the “REAL DEAL,”here’s the “Wonders From Down Under,” “The Dukes of Disco,” Barry, Robin and Maurice, the Bee Gees, themselves (well, their voices, anyway) with scenes from the flick and displayed lyrics to aid you in committing karaoke.

Grouchy

Btw, I snuck in an “Easter Egg.” Happy hunting!

p.s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it.  I’d love it if you did. It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes)

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