2015: The Year In Dumb Wing-Nut Prophecies And Predictions

J-Hagee-628x356Well, despite the predictions of various dire disasters for 2015, we’ve somehow managed to survive. Most of the catastrophes were supposed to happen because Big Daddy was pissed about marriage equality or the Iran deal or something. And, of course, some of them were going to be brought on by our Islamic, foreign-born presidential pretender.

The first prediction of note came in January, courtesy of “Judge” Jeanine Pirro, one of the few Bullshit Mtn bimbos with an I.Q. bigger than her breast size. (She useta was a district attorney.) There are times, however, when she seems to have undergone I.Q. reduction surgery.

On the 11th of the month, the “Judge” predicted that the Big O was going to inflict Sharia Law on the unsuspecting citizens of ‘Murica.

And make no mistake – as sure as I’m talking to you – there will be efforts to limit our First Amendment – our free speech – to comply with Sharia blasphemy laws which call for death to those who slander the prophet Mohammad.4243bd7c914c026192e00c7e032ff30f

I’ve never been too sure what was so upsetting about Sharia Law to this country’s religious wing-nuts. It’s almost exactly the same as Evangelical Law and the majority of the Religious Wrong is all for that. Both are based on Old Testament religious laws. After all, Jews, Christians & Muslims are all “Children of the Book.”

In April, a Texas Megachurch Pastor, John Hagee stated that since there were four blood moons plus a solar eclipse this year, that would herald the apocalypse or the rapture or the 2nd coming.

God sends plant Earth a signal that something big is about to happen! He’s controlling the Sun and the moon right now to send our generation a signal, but the question is, are we getting it?

No, the man in the moon isn’t hemorrhaging the red stuff. A blood moon is called that because in a total eclipse, the moon turns red as it passes through earth’s shadow. Btw, in scientific terms four blood moons in a year is called a “lunar tetrad”. The fact that there are four total eclipses this year is unusual but not unique. You can go 300 years without one, or as in the next 300 years, have 17 of them. (Eight in this century.)

Later in the month, he amended that to say that it meant the world would face an economic crisis in the fall.

Strangest thing, but that didn’t happen either. Maybe Big Daddy was too busy on Kolob to get around to screwing with the economic system, or maybe he forgot to leave himself a note in his daytimer.

As you may recall, back in the spring, SCOTUS (aka “The Not-So Supreme Court”) was trying to decide if the LGBT Community had the same rights, marriage-wise, as the “Straights.” This evoked all sorts of warnings of impending gloom and doom.

However, my favorite nuttycism emanated from End Times broadcaster Rick Wiles. Claiming the Holy Ghost was speaking through him, he said there was fire in the future. The Sacred Spook wasn’t sure if it was rioting, war or a fireball from space, but it was something.

America will be brought to its knees, there will be pain and suffering at a level we’ve never seen in this country. The word that I hear in my spirit is ‘fire.’ I do not know if it refers to riots or looting or war on American soil or a fireball from space. I simply know that a sweeping, consuming fire will come across the United States of America and this country will be charred and burned.

This one has me a bit puzzled. Darwin knows, there are uncounted trillions of fireballs in space. (We call them “stars.”) But B.D. couldn’t spare even one to make Rick an honest man? Even after his sent the spook to spread the warning? Of course it could just be a case of Rick’s tinfoil receptor being mis-tuned and he was picking up an alien version of the Star Wars saga. In any case, we’re still here, so the matrix is still up and running.

Which brings us to (drum roll, please)@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

JADE HELM 15

This event spawned so many predictions, prophesies and conspiracy theories, you’d need a tome to list them all. The following are just a brief sampling:

Jade Helm 15 came and went and turned out to be exactly what the military said it was going to be: A military war game to enhance military capability in modern warfare. Texas is still Texas. “Real ‘Muricans” are still roaming free. Walmart is still screwing its workers. And, not a Chinese warrior or space alien in sight. (1,500 mph mag-lev trains would have been nice though.)

Must have been a hell of a sale on tinfoil, somewhere!

Oh, and before I forget. Although Jade Helm may have been a bust, tinfoil-toupee wise, that didn’t deter Rick (Fireball From The Sky) Wiles from predicting that Jade Helm 16 (If that’s what the next war game will be called.) will…. well, I’ll let him tell you.

I believe that they would level the state of Texas, I believe they would use an EMP against Texas…Write that down for the record, this is a warning from the Holy Spirit.

Kinda makes me wonder if the spirits he communicates with are gaseous or liquid?

By this time, fall rolled around and True Believers braced themselves for the prophesied calamities. Religious Wrong fixture Jonathan Cahn, predicted that September 13th would be America’s “DAY OF JUDGEMENT!” Stock market crash and all!

Jim Bakker, back from his extended vacation at the Iron Bar Resort, agreed about September 13’s crash. Well, either that or a typhoon, a bombing, or an earthquake. He knew this because Big Daddy laid it on the line for him. (No mere Sacred Spook, but the HIM, himself.)

Once again, nuttin’ happened! Cahn then claimed that any disaster that happened between September 2015 and September 2016 would validate his predictions.

Rick Wiles added to the pile by stating that the good(?) Pastor Hagee had been right about predicting the economic collapse. Ricky predicted that between September 13 and October 9, the stock market would drop 30%. Pastor Hagee, not to be upstaged, elevated that to 50%.

Cahn pooped up again, stating that Big D. was soooo pissed off over SCOTUS’s gay rights ruling and the White House’s LGBT Pride Month celebration with rainbow lights, that his was going to sic Hurricane Joaquin on Washington D.C.

Ricky chimed in by adding the sinful city of New York to the target list. (I guess “Spookie” had his ear again.) Hurricane Joaquin didn’t hit either one!

These were just a few of the year’s ravings about impending doom. However, I’m not writing a book and by this point, I think you’ve got the point.

And, just think. There’s a brand new year for them to prophecy about.

Stay tuned! (And, make sure you’re stocked up on popcorn.)

Leave a Reply