Pat Robertson: Celebrating Halloween Is Satan Worship

scary halloween faceCrazy Uncle Pat is at it again. Not quite sure if he’s off his meds or taking too damn many of them.

Anyway, he was asked a question on Monday’s (9/26/16) “700 Club” broadcast, about a mother allowing her child to visit a “haunted” house on Halloween.

His response:

Mother, don’t let your babies grow up to be demon-worshippers. Don’t let him do it…Halloween has become a night when the devil rejoices!

He suggested that churches put on alternatives, where “all the nice, pretty girls and all the handsome boys” are “praising the Lord instead of worshiping Satan.” (I guess ugly kids aren’t invited.)

That got me to thinking about a post I wrote a couple of Halloweens ago.

It seems, former teen hunk and current Khristian troglodyte, Kirk Cameron, got his Underoos bunched up in his backside because pagans stole Halloween from the church.

In an interview with the “Christian Post,” he had this to say,

In the 9th century, the Roman Catholic Church shifted the date of All Saints’ Day to 1 November, while 2 November later became All Souls’ Day. Over time, Samhain and All Saints’/All Souls’ merged and helped to create the modern Halloween.

On the costume aspect of Halloween, Kirk has some thoughts:

When you go out on Halloween and see all people dressed in costumes and see someone in a great big bobble-head Obama costume with great big ears and an Obama face, are they honoring him or poking fun? They are poking fun at him. … Early on, Christians would dress up in costumes as the devil, ghosts, goblins and witches precisely to make the point that those things were defeated and overthrown by the resurrected Jesus Christ. The costumes poke fun at the fact that the devil and other evils were publicly humiliated by Christ at His resurrection.

(So, I guess he believes that Obama is one of the devils or other evils that J.C. humiliated.)

And then there are the “trick-or-treaters”:

You can give them Gospel tracts and tell the story of how every ghost, goblin, witch and demon was trounced the day Jesus rose from the grave.

(I’m sure that will thrill the neighborhood six-year olds.)

 But, not to worry, you can still party hardy!

You should have the biggest party on your block, and you should have the reason for everyone to come to your house and before anyone else’s house because yours is the most fun. Halloween gives you a great opportunity to show how Christians celebrate the day that death was defeated.”

(Well, I have to admit. It does sound like one scary party.)

I hate to break it to Kirk, (Actually, I really don’t!) but as is common for Khristian troglodytes, he gets it back-assward.

It’s true that in the eighth century, (not the ninth) Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints and martyrs with a holiday, All Saints’ Day. However, the holiday it usurped goes back a lot farther.

The Roman church had a long history of usurping local events and mythological critters and incorporating them as “Christian”. They did this with Saturnalia. (Roman) You know it as Christmas. Oh, and the mistletoe (Druid), yule log (6th century Germanic Paganism) and holly (Roman Saturnalia Festival) are also imports. Also, it’s amazing how many local mythological critters morphed into Catholic saints and demons.

Much like Christmas, with its pagan Saturnalia roots, All Hallows Eve evolved from the Celtic celebration of the Samhain Festival. Btw, Samhain was about the end of the herding, trade and warfare season, not about death or demons.

According to Sir James George Frazer ‘s book, The Golden Bough: A Study in Magic and Religion . May 1st and November 1st were of great importance to herdsmen. It is at the beginning of summer that cattle are driven to the upland summer pastures and the beginning of winter that they are led back. Frazer suggested that halving the year at May 1st and November 1st dates from a time when the Celts were mainly a pastoral people, dependent on their herds. In medieval Ireland the festival marked the end of the season for trade and warfare and was an ideal date for tribal gatherings.

One last question: If the Khristians win the war on Halloween, does that mean I have to give up my annual pumpkin patch vigil for the Great Pumpkin?5138234379_9d16046cbd_b

Are Witches Advising High-Ranking Government Officials?

the-witches-are-hereIt’s a horrible time for “KKKhristians” (as opposed to “Christians”). The witches are here and it’s not even Halloween yet!

Not only that, but Muslims are being given “preferential treatment(Horror of horrors, three of them are even judges!) and “the cross is being degraded in America, the Christians are being—the very thing Jesus said would happen in the Last Days, that we would be, because we serve God, we would be attacked, we would be hated for the name of Christ’s sake. It seems like our nation is kinder to other faiths and Christianity is being put down further and further and further

Ok, let me explain a couple of things before we proceed with this nonsense:

  • Witches don’t exist! At least not the “flying by broomstick,” or “Double, double, toil and trouble” type. Yes, there are Wiccans, but by-and-large, they tend to be pacific in their beliefs and there’s no real magic about them.
  • I use the term “KKKhristians” because these troglodytes’ rantings are the antithesis of Christ’s teachings. He preached love, they preach hate.
  • Islam is just like any other “religion.” There’s good in it and there’s bad in it. If you’re going to judge all Muslims by ISIS, (which destroy’s Islamic holy sites with impunity and is deeply violent) then you have to judge Christianity by the KKK (which hates all races except Caucasian with impunity and has a deep history of violence).

In the fevered mind of some filberts, Islam is taking over the country, lead by that secret Muslim (and suspected Anti-Christ) Barack Hussein Obama. (FYI, his middle name proves he’s Muslim, just like mine “LeRoy” proves I’m a king.)

What’s the purpose of the Islamic conquest you might ask? Why, to impose Sharia Law, of course. (At least that’s what the religious trogs claim.) To be honest, I’m a bit confused why KKKhristians are so opposed to that, since Sharia Law is almost exactly the same as Evangelical Law, which they support.

Ok, so what do Muslims taking over and Witches in high councils have to do with one another?

Both “items” were the subject of discussion yesterday’s (9/22/16) on Jim Bakker’s program. You remember Jimmy. He’s the “family values” televangelist who cheated on his wife and diddled his secretary. Then he got several years of rock hockey lessons at the Iron Bar Inn for defrauding his “church.” Well, Jim’s out and back to the old con.

Jimmy was a bit unhappy about Obama having the nerve to nominate another Muslim attorney to be a federal judge. His guest was Robert Maginnis, a member of the Family Research Council. After Jimmy made the above “the cross is being degraded” statement, Bobby agreed, adding “the persecution against Christians is rampant in the Pentagon and that the Obama administration is aggressive against Christians.

He then went on to claim that he had met with witches that advised government big wigs in Washington D.C.

I have personally met people that refer to themselves as witches, people that say they advise the senior leadership of the country. We invite within the federal government people to advise us and often some of those advisers, I think, have evil motivations, things that you and I would not approve of.

If you have the stomach or the stomach medicine for it, here’s the video:

Is Stopping Abortions More Important Than Nuclear War?

fema_-_2720_-_photograph_by_fema_news_photoFrank Pavone is a Catholic priest. He’s also the head of a charity, Priests for Life. As a charity, Priests of Life only rates one star (out of four) from Charity Navigator. But, that’s not what this rant is about. As head of Priests for Life, Franky’s had more than one run-in with the church over his handling of the group’s finances. But, once again, that’s not what this rant is about.

It seems Franky is a bit of a one-issue filbert. The issue is abortion and NO, he’s not in favor of it.

In the past, he’s compared the President of Planned Parenthood speaking at Georgetown University to inviting ISIS, drug dealers or the mob, to speak.

He’s also compared abortion to terrorism.

I always go back to the position I have, is that if a candidate came up and said, ‘I support terrorism,’ you know, the conversation stops there. You don’t ask them, you don’t start comparing other positions, other issues. You support terrorism, you’re out. And abortion is no better than terrorism, in fact it’s worse.

He’s compared legal abortion to atomic blasts.

Right now, we have a raging holocaust going on, and it’s not ‘maybe’ and it’s not ‘potential’ and it’s not ‘maybe we’re going to kill these families’ or ‘maybe we’re going to drop an atomic bomb.’ It’s like several atomic bombs have already gone off on our own soil when it comes to just the sheer numbers.

And then last week, he outdid himself when he appeared on the Catholic radio network, “Relevant Radio.” The host, Drew Mariani, mistakenly claimed that Tim Kaine predicted that the Church will change its stance on abortion. Franky had a ready response.

It was such a disservice to the Church. I mean, he represents a brand of thinking, we find it in the Church, we even find it among some clergy, you know, talk about social justice but ignore the core of social justice, which is the right to life. You cannot be right on these other issues, whether it’s poverty, immigration, war and peace, homelessness, health care—let me make a very clear statement here: Not only is abortion a more important and weighty issue than all these other issues and not only is it more important that someone be right on abortion than they be right on these other issues, but I will say it this way, you cannot be right on these other issues if you are wrong on abortion.


Oh, and btw, Franky’s a Trump Chump. Although, interestingly enough, he compares him to an out-of-control train.

Here’s the analogy I’ve been using for folks to consider: It’s like being on a runaway train. Let’s presume, it’s an odd situation, but let’s presume that you’re at the controls of a runaway train. And the train cannot be stopped and you know that at the end of the track it’s going to do damage, so you can’t stop the train. But supposed the only thing you could do is to switch the track that the train is on so that at the end of Track A it’s going to kill 10 people and at the end of Track B it’s going to kill 100 people. Now, you don’t want to kill anybody. Nobody wants to kill anybody. But you can’t stop the train.

So, what are you going to do? Are you going to say, ‘Oh, I’m not going to do anything’? Or are you going to do your best to switch it to the track where it’s going to do less damage. Now, some people say, ‘I don’t want to kill 10 people and I don’t want to kill 100 people, so I’m not going to do anything.’ Yeah, but if the train is on the track, then, to do the more damage, don’t you share responsibility for not doing something to try to minimize the damage?

Stay tuned!



Featured Image: Federal Emergency Management Agency

Was Louisiana Flooding Caused By Government Weather Weapon?

29121363206_e72f558de7_bSeems like every time a horrendous event happens, the kooks come out. From Sandy Hook to 911, there’s always a certain contingent of mental midgets shouting from the cesspool that it’s a “false flag” government op. Last month’s flooding in Louisiana is no exception.

Meet Steve Quayle. (I’m not sure if he’s related to George “Pappy” Bush’s former Veep, Dan “potatoe” Quayle.) You may not have heard about him, I certainly hadn’t. However, he seems to be known to the tinfoil toupee set.

Ol’ Steve’s a radio commentator. (Well, shortwave radio, anyway.) He’s a guest of cutting edge conspiracy kooks such as Alex Jones, (A Trump consultant, btw) The Hagmann & Hagmann Report and the Khristians’ favorite ex-con scam artist, Jim Bakker.

Steve’s a believer in zombies, the Nazi’s alien base in Antartica, Planet X (aka Nibiru), Giant Reptilian Man Eating Demons and weather weapons. It’s the latter item that’s the subject of this post.

It seems (to Steve’s short-circuited brain cells) that the government decided to use it’s weather weapon on the unsuspecting citizens of Louisiana. (I guess the government figured they were “all wet” anyway, so what’s the big deal?) According to Steve, this had something to do with the government elites wanting to create a “generated famine” after stockpiling food in their “underground bases.”

In order to inform the nation of this nefarious plot, Steve appeared on the Jim Bakker Show. (Have I mentioned that both Steve and Jim’s websites sell food stocks to survive the coming apocalypse, in whatever form it may take? Not that that has anything to do with it of course.)

As Steve put it,

If you control the weather, you control the food; you control the food, you control the people. This is what’s going on in Louisiana.

There was a standing wave in Louisiana, that’s a weather weapon and weather weapons are real. And people, they knew it was going to come but they still stayed and that’s what’s tragic because weather weapons are real.

What you’re watching is a nation under siege.

You say you’d like to learn more about the evil American government’s weather war on its own citizens? Well, rejoice! Steve’s got you covered! He just happens to have written an entire paperback book, “Weather Wars,” on the subject and he’ll be glad to sell you a copy. And as an added incentive, for this month only, he’ll drop the price in half. What was a bargain at $30, can be yours for the low, low price of just $15. Such a DEAL! (If you’re as stupid as he hopes you are!)

Image: U.S. Army National Guard photo by Sgt. Noshoba Davis (Creative Commons 2.0)

Louie Gohmert: Hate Crime Laws Turn The U.S. Into Nazi Germany

8566258387_192a1493fc_bMy favorite Texas filbert (and there are sooo many to choose from) is back in the news cycle. Loony Louie Gohmert spoke at the Values(?) Voters Summit joining such low light luminaries as disgraced ex-congressperson Michele Bachmann, (Tehran) Tom Cotton, Ollie North (of selling arms to Iran fame), Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson and everybody’s least favorite hairball and Putin lover, The DONALD!

Those of you who are not into unintentional political humor, may not be hip to Loony Louie, so a bit of intro may be in order:

  • In 2010, on the House floor, he claimed terrorists were getting women pregnant, then shipping them to the US, so they could give birth to “anchor babies.” Then after twenty to thirty years they can grow up and be trained as terrorists and blow up the country.
  • He’s claimed that Islamists are sneaking into the US, masquerading as Hispanics.
  • He’s linked marriage equality to bestiality and polygamy. And, btw, gay Boy Scouts lead to pedophilia.
  • He’s said John McCain is an al Qaeda fanboy.
  • He’s opposed to vaccines because liberal elites are using them to cull the earth’s population in order to preserve natural resources

There’s a hell of a lot more, but you get the idea.

Back to the Values(?) Voters Summit. Quite a bit has been written about Loony Louie’s claim, during his speech, that Hillary is “mentally impaired.”

A true believer does what Jesus did … you don’t make fun of people who are impaired, have special needs, and whether you like her or not, Hillary Clinton’s made clear, she is mentally impaired.


Now, I’ll grant you that Loony Louie may be somewhat of an expert in “mentally impaired,” being that he’s a prime example thereof. But, nobody who has ever dealt with Hillary can ever truthfully claim that she lacks mental faculties. She’s one of the most intelligent, disciplined and driven people in American politics today.

However, that statement, stupid as it was, is not the subject of today’s rant.

Soon after his “mentally impaired” projection, Loony Louie harked back to a statement he made when he was battling against the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009.

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, […] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations. […] But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger. And this is scary stuff we’re doing here when we take away what has traditionally been an important aspect of moral teaching in America.

If you have a supply of Emetrol handy, here’s the whole rant:

Well, it’s been seven years and while Trump seems a bit similar to the mustached menace, he’s not in charge (although Loony Louie plans on voting for the hairball). And, so far, pedophilia, necrophilia and a lot of other “phalias” are still very much illegal.

However, like every true Regressive troglodyte, Loony Louie never lets minor details like “facts” get in his way. He insisted he totally called it right down the line. Of course, he didn’t mention a single instance where this is the case.

He then went on to state that SCOTUS established secular humanism as the official government religion. Not only that, but Hillary is bent on “taking away your freedom of speech and allowing that part of the Muslim Brotherhood plan, subjugating the U.S. Constitution to Sharia law.

I have never figured out why Religious Wrong wing-nuts are sooo opposed to Sharia Law. It’s almost Identical to Evangelical law, that they think supersedes secular law.

Your religious freedom will be gone, your freedom of speech will be gone under a Clinton presidency. Freedom of the press, well, that’s not officially gone, it’s just if you express truth in the press, the rest of the press makes fun of you.

If you have any Emetrol left, here’s Loony Louie’s speech at the Values(?) Voters Summit.

Btw, did you know that Loony Louie used to be Chief Justice on Texas’s 12th Court of Appeals? Cuzin Ricky Perry appointed him. (Which explains a hell of a lot.)

Stay tuned! I’m sure this filbert will be back with even more hilarity!




Ann Coulter’s ‘In Trump We Trust’ Book Disaster

CnGb8LdUEAAkQkeThis hasn’t been the best of weeks for Ann Coulter (aka “The Wicked Witch of the NE”).

Oh, it started out just fine. She had a brand new book coming out, entitled “In Trump We Trust.” I’m sure she thought she had another hit, since there are more than enough gullible, low information types (That’s “PC” for stupid.) to send the book up the best seller lists.

The hairball himself, Donald Trump, even tweeted nice things about it.

.@AnnCoulter‘s new book, ‘In Trump We Trust, comes out tomorrow. People are saying it’s terrific – knowing Ann I am sure it is!

(Of course, he hadn’t read it, but details like that never seem to bother him.)

Then the book came out! (And, the snarks started flying.)

First, there was the title, “In Trump We Trust,” in which the orange oligarch replaces Big Daddy.

Ann Coulter’s new book is titled “In Trump We Trust?” Sounds like blasphemy to me.

Not content with mangling that slogan, which only goes back to 1956, (sorry, religious troglodytes) she also takes on “E Pluribus Unum” which goes back to the Continental Congress in 1782. The term, for those of you who slept through Latin class, means “from many, one.”

Well, since that sounds too much like it’s celebrating diversity, Ann changed it to “E Pluribus Awesome.” I’ll skip the fact that the Latin word for awesome is “terribilis.” (Which is a better fit.) What I’m wondering about is “from many what?” Lies? Scams? Lawsuits? Bankruptcies? The list goes on and on.

Ok, enough nits picked about the cover, lets look at the content. Here’s some gems (of the zircon variety):

Trump is like a Shakespearean ‘fool’: he seems crass because he speaks the truth.

We need more narcissists running for public office.

Being crude is an indispensible requirement.

And, of course, the raison d’etre of the book. (For any French class sleepers or “baggers” in the audience, “raison d’etre” means “the most important purpose.” Who says my posts aren’t educational?)

Liberals compulsively demand the importation of foreigners because of their seething hatred of the historic American nation. They won’t be happy until the DAR-eligible population is a tiny minority. Any culture that replaces American culture is an improvement, as far as they are concerned.

And, as for the infallibility of Big Daddy’s stand in:

There’s nothing Trump can do that won’t be forgiven. Except change his immigration policies.

Guess what! Hairball changed his immigration policies. (Or, somebody did and he just read the teleprompter.)

Guess what again! The WWotNE is NOT happy!

At first, in an interview for “The Hill,” she tried to spin it.

It’s just rhetoric but it’s still annoying. I think he panicked and he had to say [it] … I don’t think he is softening. I mean the big thing is the wall.

Later, as the fact sunk in that he had undermined the whole purpose of her book and cost her sales, she took to Twitter. (As twits often do.)

Only part he left out was the “hoops” they’ll have to jump through! Trump:”No citizenship. Let me go a step further—they’ll pay back-taxes”

Trump: “they have to pay taxes, there’s no amnesty” [Pro Tip: “Back taxes” means we pay illegals $30k apiece in EITC.}

It’s not “amnesty.” It’s “comprehensive immigration reform”!!!! Trump: “they have to pay taxes, there’s no amnesty.”

Well, if it’s “hard,” then nevermind. Trump: “… to take a person who’s been here for 15 or 20 years ….It’s a very, very hard thing.”

Btw, the book is available on Amazon, already marked down 40%.

Wing-nut: Carry Guns And Extra Ammo To Church

SIG_Pro_by_Augustas_DidzgalvisAccording to the Oath Keepers, (or, as I refer to them: “Oaf Creepers”) ISIS could be planning to attack your church.

Beware! Or, better yet, be armed! BE VERY HEAVILY ARMED!

But first, a bit of history before the hysteria, to place this nonsense in context.

The Oaf Creepers were founded by Elmer Stewart Rhodes. He likes to go by “Stewart,” but I think “Elmer” is a much better fit. (He’s a “Fudd” if I’ve ever heard of one.)

The Creepers are, as one pundit put it, “A conservative group whose members make Ted Nugent look like a bleeding-heart Rachel Maddow.” They claim to be defenders of the Constitution. (Or at least, their rather warped interpretation of it.)

These ‘Murican “patriots” are primarily composed of current and ex military and law enforcement types. Like all quasi-military groups, they pride themselves on following orders. Except, of course, their infamous “Declaration of Orders We Will NOT Obey.”

Orders like:

  • confiscate guns,
  • detain Americans as “unlawful enemy combatants” or to subject them to trial by military tribunal,
  • invade Texas or any other state if they secede from the country or,
  • enter a state in force without the express consent and invitation of that state’s legislature and governor.

It’s highly unlikely that any government entity would ever give them such orders. If the country ever devolves into a police state, the government has more than enough muscle to do this with their own people. They won’t need a bunch of mentally challenged ammosexuals to help out.

The Creepers might want to check with Herr Trump about that “detaining Americans as ‘unlawful enemy combatants’ or to subject them to trial by military tribunal” bit. He seems to be in favor of that.

Also, I don’t seem to recall the legislatures and governors of Nevada (Bundy Ranch Standoff) or Missouri (Ferguson) sending them an invitation.

In Nevada, they were too much even for the Bundy Bozos. The Security Chief kicked them out! In Ferguson, the St. Louis County police threatened them with arrest for acting as a security force without a license. They promptly left, tail tucked firmly between their legs. (Well, they needed something down there to fill the void.)

That should give you a general idea about these mental midgets. If you want to explore more (you masochist, you) check out their website, but keep the Emetrol handy.

Now, on to their latest idiocy.

Since a couple of ISIS idiots attacked a church and killed a priest in France, ol’ Elmer knows why it happened and who’s next.

As to why: because the “modern, emasculated, French metro-sexuals” at the church in Normandy that suffered the attack weren’t “real men.” (i.e. armed to the teeth)

As to who’s next? Us, of course! After all, isn’t everything about us?

According to the post on the Oaf Creepers’ website, ISIS has a “kill list” of nearly 15,000 Americans and they’re coming to a church near you.

But what about here in America? Are there real men in your church? Are they armed and ‘switched on’ during service, to safeguard the church and those who worship inside?… A church will be hit. And it might be yours. Get ready.

For those of you who are shaking in your boots, shoes, sandals, socks or whatever, not to worry. Elmer knows just how to handle the situation.

  1. Go armed to church… I recommend a reliable semi-automatic, high capacity handgun of at least 9mm caliber for that task, such as a Glock or Smith and Wesson M&P, with at least one spare magazine.
  2. Carry a backup gun, and/or a no-nonsense fixed blade knife as a backup, carried within easy reach of both your hands (carry it up front near your belt buckle).
  3. Have a couple shotguns (at least) discretely hidden within the church.
  4. Wear body armor under your suit.
  5. Have radios for communication
  6. Have an exterior armed security team.  It would be foolish to rely only on armed men inside the church.  You need men on the outside too.
  7. Have a layered security. Don’t rely on just one team, either outside or inside.  You need both.  And ideally, on the outside, in addition to the overt team manning the exterior entrances, you would also have someone in a discrete location, who is not easily seen by bad guys.
  8. All competent adults in the congregation should be armed.
  9. Train people in emergency medical and have trauma kits on hand.

There you have it, folks. The simple nine-step solution to your jihad problems. Simply turn your church, parish, temple or synagogue into an armed camp and all your worries will evaporate like mist on a summer morning.

Unless, of course, you’re attacked by suicide bombers. Then, you’re S.O.L.

p.s. Note to Elmer and the Oafs: “Real Men” don’t need to pack penis substitutes.

Featured image credit: Augustas Didžgalvis

Mormonism: The Big Con? (pt 2: Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It’s Off to Church We Go)

Mormon ChronologyCONTINUED

When last we left Joe, Ollie, Marty and the various “Holy Ghosts”, Joe had just finished “translating” the Book of Mormon and had gotten it copyrighted. (I guess they didn’t check for plagiarism.)

However, when it comes to having the BoM printed, there’s a slight problem. Printing books costs money and Joe’s previous scams haven’t been too financially successful, so he doesn’t have the loot to do it.

Fortunately. “God” comes to the rescue. Seems Big Daddy has a talk with Joe and tells him that Marty will suffer “GOD’S PUNISHMENT” if he doesn’t pony up the Benjamins to print the book. Doctrine & Covenants Section 1986fad446-c7a9-442e-9347-0c2d06f8060c_oA few quick thoughts on the matter:

  1. Why is Big Daddy always broke? Hell, he can create gold by farting a certain way. Why does he always want ours? He can’t spend it. Maybe he eats it. Who knows?
  2. Isn’t it handy to be the only one B.D. chats up? I mean, who’s to say what you say isn’t what he said? A touch more on that later.
  3. I always thought extortion fell under the “sin” category. However, as we shall learn over the remaining posts, a sin isn’t a sin if Big D or his “prophet” commit it. And, laws aren’t laws unless Big Daddy and Joe approve of them.

(8/1829) Marty gives Joe $3,000 (A little shy of $64,000 in todays moolah.) to cover publishing costs of the BoM. To raise the money, Marty has to mortgage part of his farm, which is repossessed when he can’t pay it off. (So, Marty does what Big D demands, and Big D rewards him by having him lose part of his farm. What an asshole! This isn’t the last time B.D. screws someone for doing what he commands. We’ll run across multiple examples over the ensuing years.)

Before we get to more of the “latter-day” fun stuff, lets take a quick gander at the BoM.

It’s reputed to be the saga of various bands of Israelis that sailed boats (In one case, a submarine) from the Middle East, all the way to South America. It then traces the history of their descendants (aka “First Nations”, “Native Americans” or “Indians”).

Unfortunately, there are more than a few glaring errors in the narrative:

  1. First of all, it is not backed up by DNA evidence which clearly shows a direct descent from Eastern Asians, not Semitic Asians. FAIL!
  2. The BoM says that the descendents had chariots. FAIL! The wheel was unknown in the Western Hemisphere.
  3. The BoM’s 2nd Book of Nephi, which was supposedly written around 590 BCE, uses the word “Bible“. FAIL! There was no “Bible” in 590 BCE. The Pentateuch had barely been written around 621 BCE, but the Bible was still just a gleam in Big Daddy’s eyes.
  4. Ether 9:31-33 tells the tale of cattle-herding snakes. FAIL!
  5. The BoM claims horses were used as “beasts of burden”. FAIL! There were no horses in Pre-Columbian America, and hadn’t been since the Pleistocene Era.



  6. Speaking of non-existent animals, Ether 9:19 says elephants were also used. FAIL! There never were elephants in America. There had been mammoths and mastodons, but they’d been extinct for about 6,000 years.
  7. The BoM also mentions domestic cattle. FAIL! Not in the new world. (This is getting monotonous.)
  8. The BoM details fighting with steel swords. FAIL! There were no metal weapons of any kind used in the Western
  9. The BoM says dark skin is a “loathsome” curse, because either you or one of your ancestors screwed up. However, righteous living will cause your skin to become white and “delightsome.” FAIL! FAIL! (and one more for good measure) FAIL!
  10. There are a lot more problems, inaccuracies, inconsistencies and downright lies, but I think you’ve got a handle on the situation.

There has been speculation that Joe “translated” the BoM for other than altruistic reasons. One reason for the speculation might be because he tried to sell the rights to the book, right after it was published. (However, nobody was buying his story.)

Can I get a witness?

(6/28/1829) Joe, Ollie, Marty and David Whitmer retire to the woods. (Them mushrooms ain’t gonna harvest themselves.) While there, they’re visited by another angel and he has the plates with him. I guess Joe had already given them back.

Afterwards, they all sign a statement titled “Testimony of Three Witnesses” (Tot3W)  which is conveniently located at the beginning of every BoM.

(7/2/1829) Eight more people: Christian Whitmer, Jacob Whitmer, Peter Whitmer Jr., John Whitmer, Hiram Page, Joe Sr., Hyrum Smith, & Samuel Smith “witness” the plates. All eight are members of the Smith or Whitmer families. Page is a Whitmer Bro-in-law.

Mary Whitmer claims Moroni shows her the plates as well, but she’s just a woman, so I guess she doesn’t count. Mrs Joe claims she felt the plates through a cloth, although she never exactly saw them. (Seems she didn’t peek in the bean barrel. No Pandora, she.)

Unfortunately, a few problems with all this “witnessing” keep popping up.

For starters, if you’ve read the “Tot3W”, you’ll notice that it seems to insinuate that the plates were seen, but it really doesn’t say how they were seen. (Don’t laugh, this becomes important.) There are an incredible number of “weasel words” in there that allow you to draw whatever conclusion is convenient for your point of view.

And then, there’s the “I can’t seem to keep the story straight” problem.

Let’s start with Marty. You might remember that last post I compared Marty to my favorite bird. (If you’ve ever camped out by a northern alpine lake and listened to the haunting serenade of the loons, you’ll know why I love ’em.)LoonsBut, actually, I was referring to the other usage of the word. You know, “crazy as a ……”

His belief in earthly visitations of angels and ghosts gives him the reputation of being a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Here’s what some of the people who know him have to say about Marty: “a great man for seeing spooks” (Lorenzo Saunders); “a visionary fanatic” (Jesse Townsend); “overbalanced by marvellousness” (Pomeroy Tucker). Pomeroy Tucker reminiscence, 1858, in Vogel 1996-2003, 3: 71

For instance, during a break in translation transcribing, Marty takes a 2 or 3 mile “walk & talk” with J.C.. Of course, J.C. is in the form of a deer, but talking with him as familiarly as one man talks with another”. John A. Clark letter, August 31, 1840

Another time Marty has also seen the Devil, whom he describes as “a very sleek haired fellow with four feet, and a head like that of a Jack-ass.” Vogel,EMD 2: 271, note 32.

And, he always seems to know whenever YHWH (Big Daddy) or J.C. stops by to take in a Sunday sermon, even if nobody else can see them.

Then there’s the time when Marty encounters J.C. poised up on a roof beam. Ronald W. Walker, “Martin Harris: Mormonism’s Early Convert,” Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought 19 (Winter 1986): 34-35. I have absolutely no clue as to what J.C.’s doing on the roof . Maybe he heard the drinks were on the house? (Ooooh sorry. That was a bad one, even for me.)

Ok, I think you probably get the picture. Marty may not be the best choice for a credible witness. But, I guess you go with what you’ve got.

At one point, as the BoM is readied for printing, the typesetter (John Gilbert) asks him “Martin, did you see those plates with your naked eyes?” Marty replies “No, I saw them with a spiritual eye!John H. Gilbert, “Memorandum,” 8 September 1892, in EMD, 2: 54 (I’m not into “magic mushrooms”, so I usually see “with a spiritual eye” after 5 or 6 heavy hits on the bong.)

Later, in 1838 he testifies in court that neither he, nor any of the other “witnesses” ever physically saw the plates. Stephen Burnett to Luke S. Johnson, 15 April 1838, in Joseph Smith’s Letterbook, Early Mormon Documents 2: 290-92 Three of the 12 Mormon Apostles promptly leave the church. (Lotsa juicy detail coming up down the timeline.)

By 1853, he crosses back over to “Saw’em-Touched’em” Land. He tells David Dille that he held the 40-60 lb plates on his knee for “an hour-and-a-half” and handled them “plate after plate” Martin Harris interview with David B. Dille, 15 September 1853

Other than being a few frogs shy of a flap jack, what possible motivation could he have had for this charade?

In the winter of 1828, Marty and his wife visit his sister-in-law, Abigail. This is how Abigail describes one conversation: “… Martin Harris and Lucy Harris, his wife, were at my house. In conversation with the Mormonites, she observed that she wished her husband would quit them, as she believed it all false and a delusion. To which I heard Mr. Harris reply: ‘What if it is a lie; if you will let me alone I will make money out of it!’ I was both an eye and ear witness of what has been above stated, which is now fresh in my memory, and I speak the truth and lie not, God being my witness.” Lucy is on record as confirming the conversation.

Now, if you think I’m picking on Marty, I’m just using him as an example. There are problems and conflicts with all the testimonies.

David Whitmer said he saw the plates “by the eye of faith” (aka Psilocybe liniformans?) Psilocybeliniformans2Later, David said he found them lying in a field and even later said that they were laying on a table with other gold & brass plates, the Sword of Laban and our old friends, Urim & Thumim. Millennial Star, vol. XL, pp. 771-772

Joe publicly charged Ollie with lying, perjury and counterfeiting, among other crimes. Senate Document 189, Feb. 15, 1841, pp. 6-9 (And, of course, lots more on this coming up down the line.) However, everyone is supposed to believe him when he agrees with Joe?

Let me finish up on the “witnesses” with this little factoid: By 1847, all 11 “witnesses” leave the church. Not 1, not 3, but every last mother-humpin’ one of them. (Kinda tells you something right there!) Some come back later to enjoy their celebrity status or for some other non-altruistic reason, and some don’t.

Hi ho, hi ho, It’s off to church we go!

(3/26/1830) Joe publishes “The Book of Mormon.”

(4/6/1830) Eleven days later, starting with 30 suckers, I mean saints, Joe incorporates the “Church of Christ” in Fayette NY, or was it Manchester, NY? (Inquiring minds want to know.) 

Nit picking time (Hey, they’re the church’s nits, not mine!) Part of the incorporation location confusion comes from the church claims prior to 1834 that it is in the Smith home in Manchester, (actually, the house is just north of the Palmyra town border) and then, after ’34, the official church version changes to the Peter Whitmer house in Fayette.

Complicating it even more is the fact that no legal records of church incorporation exist in the Palmyra/Manchester area, the Fayette area, or anywhere else in the state. It seems this may not be a legal organization.

Wherever it is, it seems everyone has a great time, speaking in tongues, having visions, prophesying and fainting. Joseph Smith History, 1839 draft Also, Joe and Ollie are both ordained “as an apostle of Jesus Christ, an elder of the church”. This later gets modified so that Joe becomes “1st Elder” and Ollie becomes “2nd Elder”. (And, the power struggle begins.)

2nd nit: According to the church (ala Nephi 27:3-8) Christ’s true church is required to have his name on it. That raises a bit of a “sticky wicket”. (Always wanted to use that phrase, and btw a sticky wicket is a damp, soft pitch in cricket. So, who says my posts aren’t educational?) By that reckoning, it seems that between May 3, 1834 and April 1838, J.C. didn’t have a true church. During that time period, the name was changed to “The Church of the Latter Day Saints”. (No Christ, nowhere, nohow)

(6/9/1830). Holy exorcism, Batman! Joe performs his 1st miracle! Yup, our boy Joe casts a devil “of uncommon size from a miserable man in the neighborhood of the ‘great bend’ of the Susquehannah.”. (At least that’s what he claims.)

Unfortunately this gets Joe hauled into court again. He’s charged with performing an exorcism, but he’s acquitted. Would love to be a fly on the wall during the trial. If Joe admits to the charge, that means he’s guilty. If he denies the charge, that means he’s either lying under oath or he lied about the exorcism. Since he’s acquitted, I think I know what his testimony is.

About the same time, Marty gives himself a promotion to Prophet. He claims in two years non-Mormonites will be stricken off the earth and Palmyra will become the New Jerusalem complete with streets of gold. Gilbert, John H. (September 8, 1892), Recollections of John H. Gilbert, Palmyra, New York

Obviously this does not go down well with Joe. (The “Prophet” part at least.) In September, Joe claims that B.D. tells him he’s the only Prophet and Marty is something else. While he’s at it, B.D. gives him the authority to issue commandments on any subject. (Wouldn’t that make him at least a demigod? Talk about inflated ego!)

Meet Sid

Sidney Rigdon (1793-1876)

Sidney Rigdon (1793-1876)

One of the early converts, Parley P. Pratt is sent to preach to the Lamanites (aka Indians). On his way, he stops by to visit his old Campbellite preacher, Sidney Rigdon. Sid reads the BoM and decides to convert.

(We’ll catch up with P.P.P. a bit later. Or rather, the husband of his 9th wife will. It doesn’t end well.)

After being baptized, Sid proceeds to convert hundreds of his old flock.

(12/1830) Shortly after, he pays a visit to Joe. As a preacher, Sid is a fiery orator and Joe needs one of those. He is immediately made the church’s flack hack. (spin doctor)

About this time, Big Daddy decides it’s time to relocate to greener pastures (and money). Since Sid already has hundreds of Mormonites in Ohio, that seems to be a good spot. B.D. tells Joe that a little farming village called Kirtland will be their new home. So, over the next year (1831) Joe & the gang set up shop in Kirtland.

Despite Marty’s earlier claims, B.D. tells Joe that Zion (New Jerusalem) is located in Independence, MO.

(6/7/1831) Joe takes a small group to check it out. (I’ve been to Independence, and other than being my idol “Give ’em Hell” Harry’s home town, it’s a long way from any fantasy of Zion, I ever had.) While there, they lay a cornerstone for a proposed temple. Within a year about 800 saints settle there.

If you’ve read “The Religious Wrong (pt 3: The Great(?) Awakening)“, you’ll recall that in this period, a lot of religious/cult groups’ idea of Utopia included “small c” communism, (with a healthy dose of sex on the side). Kirkland fit the pattern.

(2/9/1831) Joe has a “revelation” detailing the “Law of Consecration” or what he calls “The United Order of Enoch” Doctrine & Covenants 42:30-39 In short, “saints were to “consecrate” (give) their belongings to the church, and the church would give them what they need, keeping the extra for “good works”.

Sounds like “From each according to his ability, to each according to his need” to me. (Mr Marx would be pleased. And, I ain’t talkin’ Groucho!)

(7/17/1831) As for the sex on the side? Joe has a revelation from Big Daddy recommending that he practice polygamy. (Or does he?) Joe neglects to tell anyone about it other than one brand new member (Willie Wine Phelps) who neglects to tell anyone else about it for 30 years. The rest of the Mormonites, don’t learn of B.D.’s current views on polygamy/polyandry until 1843. By that time, Joe is already screwing over a couple dozen “wives”.

What makes this even more interesting, is that Joe’s own “translation” of the BoM comes out strongly against the practice: But the word of God burdens me because of your grosser crimes. For behold, thus saith the Lord: This people begin to wax in iniquity; they understand not the scriptures, for they seek to excuse themselves in committing whoredoms, because of the things which were written concerning David, and Solomon his son. “Behold, David and Solomon truly had many wives and concubines, which thing was abominable before me, saith the Lord.Jacob 2:23-24

The appearance of Sid starts Ollie’s slide into insignificance. Sid takes over as scribe helping Joe re-translate the bible. However, Joe never quite finishes his translation, and strangely enough, none of the “Prophet, Seer & Revelators” that follow, pick up the ball.

Sid is named one of Joe’s two counselors and becomes a close partner in the operation. He’s even a guest of honor along with Joe at an informal “tar & feathers party”.

You get the tar, and I’ll get the feathers. Let’s get together and have a great time!

T&F PartyListen, my children, and you shall hear the legend of the infamous “Tar & Feather Incident”. (3/24/1832) (This one’s kinda like the Boston Tea Party in that there are a lot of facts known, but as for the truth???)

Let’s start with the facts: A group of men drag Joe & Sid out of their respective houses. (Joe & Emma are lodging with the Johnsons and Sid’s bunked in with another family.) The mob beats them and strips them naked. They try to force some tar and acid down Joe’s throat, but the bottle evidently breaks. They slather hot tar on their bodies and dump feathers all over the sticky mess.There’s also a doctor in the group that has been brought along to castrate Joe. (But not Sid.) Fortunately(?) for a lot of Joe’s future bed buddies, the doctor gets cold feet.

According to the church, this is a drunken mob stirred up by some apostate Mormonites. The church’s spin is that these were petty and vindictive men who have left the church over minor issues. There are obviously some “apostates” in the mob. There are also some current members and the previously mentioned doctor.

As to another possible reason for the anger of both members and ex, remember back seven paragraphs, where I mentioned “The Law of Consecration”? Well, a lot of these folks have decided that they don’t want to give everything to Joe and let him decide what they get back. Seems to them Joe is fleecing the flock. Seems to me, that’s not a minor issue. As a side note (aka foreshadowing) later events prove they have a point.

And, then there’s the situation with the doctor. Now, dumping tar and acid down Joe’s throat, I can understand. It keeps him from preaching. However, cutting off Joe’s balls doesn’t stop him from preaching, it just means he’ll do it in a higher register. Soooo, why is he here? Also, why was Joe the only castration candidate?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to 16-year-old Marinda Johnson. I mentioned current members being involved a couple of paragraphs back. Two of those members were Marinda’s brothers and Joe’s host’s sons. It seems Joe was either “getting frisky” with the girl, or was trying to. Considering castration is a rather extreme punishment, my money’s on the former.Frisky Joe While you and I might consider this sort of a “rockstar-groupie” thing, I don’t think Marinda’s brothers saw it quite that way.

I’ve heard the church claim that this is not adultery, because Joe has already been given the go ahead by B.D.. Since nobody knows about that except for Willie Wine (And, I ain’t so sure about him.) that’s a piss poor excuse. Also, Joe’s track record (as we shall see) paints him as a bit of a sexual predator.

Btw, this is not the last we’ll see of darling Marinda. But that’s a story for later down the timeline.

Joe & Sid survive the experience obviously, and go on to greater low jinks. But, I have already exceeded (once again) my self-imposed word limit.

Next episode, we’ll continue the life and times of Mormonite Kirtland, including Joe’s next sexual conquest, “The Word of Wisdom”, the power struggles and (hopefully) the real reason Joe and the gang had to skip town.

In the meantime, if the Mormon missionaries knock on your door (and, they will, sooner or later), tell them you belong to the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or if in Oregon, the Church of Elvis. (Hey, those religions are just as valid as Mormonism.)


ps Here’s one for the road:

p.p..s.: If my ramblings don’t revolt you, check out my FaceBook page (“Grouchy’s Grumbles”) you might just enjoy it. Better yet, you might “like” it. I’d love it if you did.It’s free (and worth every cent) and almost completely painless (other than the usual bad jokes).

Mormonism: The Big Con? (pt 1: Joe & the Magic Hat Stone)

Before I get into Mormons, or as it informally calls itself, the LDS Church, I better restate my “I used to be one of them critters” disclaimer.

Yes folks, I was a “saint”! A latter day saint, to be specific. That’s what the LDS stands for. The church’s full name is “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

However, I grew up and now I’m an ex-Saint. A practicing Mormon might call me a “Jack Mormon”, but I prefer to think of myself as a “fallen angel”.

The following is a history of the early Mormon Church (complete with snarks). Believe it or not, almost all my source material comes from them. However, this is not the stuff they taught me back in my 4 years in seminary. Some of this is stuff they didn’t want to talk about at all!

But to be fair (for a change) the rise of Mormonism needs to be placed in context. I highly recommend you read “The Religious Wrong (pt 3: The Great(?) Awakening)” first. Better yet, since the context needs context, start with pt 1 and work your way back here. They’re fun reads, unless of course, you’re a “fundy” or a “bagger”. Then…..not so much.

Also, this post is not a slam on some of my good Mormon brethren & sisteren. (Is that a word?) As with all “religions” there are members who earnestly try to make this a better world. Unfortunately, as with all “religions” this one has its share of bigots and assholes as well. Although, lately they’ve lightened up a bit on blacks and transferred their hate to the LGBT community. (However, they do LOVE American Indians!)

Any excuse for a little “Satchmo”!

Mormon Chronology

Joseph Smith (1805-1844)

Joseph Smith (1805-1844)


(12/23/1805) Joseph Smith Jr. is born in Sharon Vermont.

The Smith family is rather itinerant, due to various failed business and farming ventures. In the warm weather, Joe Sr. and the older brothers (Hyrum & Alvin) like to go treasure hunting. (Which just might be part of the reason for those failures.)

Unfortunately, they don’t have any maps with “X” marking the spot. However, they do have divination tools. Among those tools are seer stones. Now, in order to get that “special sight” the stones are supposed convey, they have to be viewed in the bottom of a hat. (I shit you not!)

After three crop failures in a row, the Smith family moves to Palmyra, New York. (1816) Palmyra is right in the middle of the “Burned-Over District“, a hotbed of evangelical fervor. (Or fever, if you prefer.)

The 1st Vision

1st Vision Joe Jr. supposedly is confused with all the different religions with their conflicting “truths”, so he decides to take a walk in the woods to sort it out. Smith tells several different versions about when it happens. In one, he claims he was 14. (1819) Another time he was 16. (1821) Another time he split the difference. (1820)

According to the stories, he witnesses a pillar of light (a sunbeam?) descending from the sky and out pops Big Daddy and J.C.. (Hmmm, I wonder what kind of mushrooms were in season?)

They proceed to inform him that all the religions have drifted from “THE TRUTH”, and are essentially various piles of crap and stay away from them. Later, when he tells a local minister what Big Daddy said, for some reason the minister takes umbrage. (I can’t imagine why.)

(Fair warning: I may be an atheist, but I LOVE good gospel music.)

Now, here’s the part that floors me. To explain, I’ll resort to one of my infamous “Grouchy Scenarios”:

For this one, you’re Joe Jr.. You’ve just had a close encounter of the third kind with God and Jesus. Not only that, but they went out of their way to come down and talk to you personally. Do you: 1) drop everything and devote your life and all your energies to these guys; or 2) go on pretty much as if nothing had happened?

Jr. chooses door #2!

He tells his family, the minister and a few others (who basically laugh at him). Other than that, every thing goes on as normal. He continues farming with the family and going treasure hunting with daddy’s stones. In fact, he doesn’t come up with a detailed description of the event until 1838. (Kinda makes you wonder…..)

But, here’s the kicker: Not only did several family members subsequently join the Presbyterian Church, Joe Jr. applied with the Methodists in 1828.

(9/21/1823) Joe Jr. gets a night-time visit from an “angel” named Moroni. Btw, Mormon angels don’t have wings. I guess they teleport or something. (Maybe they borrow floo powder or a portkey from Harry.) Little Golden BookMoroni tells him that there’s a book written on “Golden Plates” that are buried on Cumorah Hill, conveniently located just a short hike south.

The next day, Jr. digs up the plates. but Moroni tells him he can’t have them for four years. Not only that, but he has to show up every year on this date for further instructions.

A couple of years later (1825) Jr. & Sr. Smith go treasure hunting in Harmony PA. They never find any treasure, but Jr. finds Emma Hale.

(3/1826) The local fuzz bust Jr. for fraudulent use of seer stones.He’s arrested, jailed, and examined in court in Bainbridge, New York on the charge of being “a disorderly person and an impostor” (Can you say “scam artist”?) in connection with his use of a seer stone to search for buried treasure. The evidence indicates he’s found guilty but he’s apparently released on the condition that he leave the area. Quinn, pp. 44ff.; and H. Michael Marquardt and Wesley P. Walters, Inventing Mormonism: Tradition and the Historical Record (Salt Lake City: Smith Research Associates, 1994), pp. 70ff.

This event goes on right in the middle of the time Jr. is receiving “heavenly instructions” on how to con, excuse me, “save” the world.

The church used to deny this ever happened. Even going so far as to say: “if this court record is authentic, it is the most damning evidence in existence against Joseph Smith.” Hugh W. Nibley, The Myth Makers (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1961), p. 142.

In 1971, the original court records were found. And, they were authentic!

(1/18/1827) Two years after they meet, Jr. & Emma elope to get married. (Emma’s daddy doesn’t much care for Jr. and Big Daddy must be a mite pissed at Jr. as well, their first three children die on the day they are born.) Emma is to play a major role in the early church, and another role after her husband dies. More on those down the timeline.

(10/22/1827) Joe finally gets his hands on the “golden plates”, (Now that he’s married, I’ll drop the Jr. but I think I know him well enough to call him Joe.) but is told he can’t show them to anyone. (Always a convenient excuse.) He does show his mother a pair of specs with gemstones for lenses. The stones are to be used to translate the plates, since the plates are written in “Reformed Egyptian”. Unfortunately, no other examples of this language have ever been found (or even heard of).

The gemstones, believe it or not, (and, I don’t) are the Urim & Thummim of Old Testament fame. They pop up several times: Exodus 28:30; Leviticus 8:8; Ezra 2:63; Nehemiah 7:65 & Deuteronomy 33:8 with Urim doing a solo in Numbers 27:21 & 1 Samuel 28:6. They were usually associated with the High Priest’s breastplate. Priestly Garments

(12/1827) Rumors of a Golden Bible started getting around the neighborhood and Joe & Emma decide to split before someone comes looking for it. A neighbor (Martin Harris) gives them some money and they hightail it back to Harmony with the plates, as the story goes, hidden in a barrel of beans. (I’ll refrain from any “spill the beans” jokes, although it’s extremely tempting.)

The Magic Translation

Safely ensconced in a small house on Emma’s daddy’s property, the work commences. Joe “translates” the plates, with Emma writing down his translation.

And, this is where it gets a smidgin confusing to yours truly. Allow me to elucidate:

Joe has the plates and the U&T specs. Logically, one would assume that Joe would put on the specs, look through the U&T lenses at the plates and commence to translate.


Remember back early in this saga, when I mentioned the use of a hat to get that “special sight”? Well, that’s the way he translates the plates. Instead of looking at them, he translates them by looking into his hat.

Don’t take my word for it. Here’s how Emma describes the scene to one of her sons (Joe III): In writing for your father I frequently wrote day after day, often sitting at the table close by him, he sitting with his face buried in his hat, with the stone in it, and dictating hour after hour with nothing between us.” History of the RLDS Church, 8 vols. Independence, Missouri: Herald House, 1951. Last Testimony of Sister Emma, 3:356Working the Stones(In other words, he pulls “The Book of Mormon” out of his hat!)

Also, in a bit of foreshadowing, you might notice something interesting about that reference source. R you up to figuring it out? If not, we’ll get reorganized in a few episodes.

As for the plates themselves, they weren’t even in the room. According to Emma’s daddy, “The manner in which he pretended to read and interpret, was the same as when he looked for the money-diggers, with a stone in his hat, and his hat over his face, while the Book of Plates were at the same time hid in the woods.”. Affidavit of Isaac Hale dated March 20, 1834, cited in Rodger I. Anderson, Joseph Smith’s New York Reputation Reexamined, (Salt Lake City: Signature Books, 1990), pp. 126-128.

You’ll notice in both accounts, there’s no mention of the “gemstone specs”. They both refer to a singular stone in the bottom of his hat. I wonder if this the same stone, or its brother, that got him busted back in ’26?

The Lost “Book of Lehi”

Martin Harris (1783-1875)

Martin Harris (1783-1875)

(4/1828) Martin Harris travels to Harmony and takes over writing Joe’s translation dictation. Marty is ……….oh …… what’s the polite word?……oh yeah. “Interesting”. An impolite description would sound something like “A bit of a loon.” (Multiple examples forthcoming.)

Marty sort of cleans up the single stone/U&T specs confusion by saying that the stone isn’t the Urim or the Thummin, It’s just Joe’s old “seer stone”.

Over the next couple of months they write “The Book of Lehi”, 116 pages in total. This is to be the first book in the BoM. At this point, Marty takes the 116 pages back to Palmyra to show his wife what he’s up to.

And…..he….”LOSES” THEM!

Two month’s translation effort of holy(?) words, and they’re not important enough to keep track of? Or even to make a back-up copy????

After a couple of months, Joe wonders what the hell happened to Marty. He heads back to Palmyra to find out.

He finds out!

He also finds out Big Daddy ain’t too tickled with the situation. BD teleports one of his angels to take back the plates. (Not to worry, fairy tale fans, it’s only temporary.)

(10/22/1828) Joe gets the plates back.

So at this point it should be a simple matter just to retranslate the missing pages and press on with the rest of the translation.


Evidently not! There are a couple of problems here: One’s real and one’s not-so-real. And, of course, the not-so-real problem is the one the church hides behind.

Before I tackle those, let me step out of the narrative for a moment.

This situation exposes one aspect of a much larger question: Where did the BoM really come from? In researching these posts, I’ve run across some solid arguments, with some rather persuasive evidence, that it has a less than holy origin.

My problem as a blogger, is that I am a blogger, and not a book writer. And, to really explore this particular question in-depth is going to take something more book length than blog length. Characters like Sidney Rigdon and Oliver Cowdery (whom you’re about to meet) figure into it along with some published and non-published books that were written prior to 1828. And then there’s related issues like “The Book of Abraham”. “The Kinderhook Plates” and the “Greek Psalter Incident”.

So, instead of exploring all of these in depth as I’d like to, I’m going to provide links to my information sources as I go along, and you can investigate at your pleasure.

Ok, back to the narrative!

First, let’s tackle the “not-so-real” problem that the church likes so much:

According to the church, this episode is Satan’s plan to trap Joe and destroy the church before it even gets started. They know this, because that’s what Big Daddy told Joe. (Or, at least that’s what Joe says BD told him.)

BD said that wicked men had altered the manuscript . So, if Joe retranslates the lost pages, they will claim he’s a phony because he can’t duplicate the original.

There’s one HUGE problem with this cop-out: Martin Harris wrote down the translation in ink on foolscap. Any changes would be immediately noticeable, and if they rewrote the 116 pages, it would be pretty easy to spot as a forgery since it wouldn’t have been in Marty’s handwriting.

Now, the real problem:

Lucy Harris (1792-1836)

Lucy Harris (1792-1836)

Marty probably didn’t really lose the 116 pages. The evidence seems to suggest that his wife Lucy purloined them. (For you baggers reading this, purloined means stole.) Most researchers agree that she probably promptly burns them.

But Joe just can’t take the chance of them being gone forever. In Joe’s mind, the “wicked men” are Lucy. Lucy can’t stand her husband’s “Mormonite” friends, as she calls them. She thinks they’re frauds and phonies. And, it’s Lucy that’s setting a trap.

However, keep in mind that it’s only a trap if the whole thing is a scam, since any alteration or rewriting of the original would be immediately noticed.

Fortunately, BD knew thousands of years ago that this was going to happen. He had one of his profits prophets write a whole second book that covered the same things the “Book of Lehi” covered, only in different words and not quite the detail.

Viola! Problem solved. No way to compare texts. No way to prove Joe lied through his hat.

Oliver Cowdery (1806-1850)

Oliver Cowdery (1806-1850)

(4/5/1829) Oliver Cowdery comes to Harmony and takes up Harris’ old job as secretary. Ollie tells Joe that he’s already seen the plates in a “vision” aka “state of altered consciousness”. (Carlos Castaneda would be so proud.) And, it turns out that Ollie, like his cousin Joe, is a treasure hunter. Ollie even has his own divining rod.

Ollie’s description of the translation process doesn’t mention the hat, but the U&T is back and being used. (Probably just needed a little “spiritual refurbishment”.)

To further confuse the confusion, after 1833 the gemstones (the U&T) are somehow integrated into the hat stone, so that now, there’s just the one stone. Which, the church says, is safely tucked away. In other words, if they really, really wanted to prove the authenticity of the magic stone’s translation ability, they could do it? (Hmmmm.)

The Return of the Holy Ghosts

(5/15/1829) Joe & Ollie head out to the woods to pray and John the Baptist shows up. (Must be mushroom season again.) Big John confers the Aaronic priesthood on them. He tells them that the Melchizedek priesthood will also be making a comeback, but not quite yet.

In fact, no one knows when the Melchizedek priesthood comes back. Joe never tells anyone how or when it happens.

LDS theologians think it happened sometime before the church was established a few months later, since part of the initial church organization included “Elders”, and Elder is the lowest rank of the Melchizedek. Other than that tidbit, they don’t have a clue.

The Melchizedek is considered the senior priesthood, with the Aaronic being the junior. Nowadays, the Aaronic is primarily for male teenagers. (Went up through the ranks myself.) Back when I was a Mormon, it was for WHITE male teenagers. At 19, you graduate to Elder.

Big John also tells them that Joe will be the 1st Elder of the Church and Ollie the 2nd. Joe & Ollie then proceed to baptize each other in the Susquehanna. (I’m not quite sure why Big John doesn’t do the honors. After all, he’s the pro.)

A bit later, Joe & Ollie are praying in the woods, and who drops by to chat? Peter, Paul & Mary! (Oops, sorry ’bout that!) I mean Peter, James & John. Still, all-in-all, some pretty heavy hitters. (Damn! I have got to find out what type of mushrooms are native to the area.)

(6/1829) The translation’s finished, and Joe gets a copyright for The Book of Mormon.

Next episode, things start rolling. There’s some “witnessing”. We meet most of the early players. The book is printed. The church is organized. The fun begins.

Until then, take care.


p.s. There are 14 varieties of “magic mushrooms” that grow in New York state.

Idaho faith healer: ‘Medicine is a product from Satan’

Laying_on_of_handsIdaho is in the news again. Oregon’s beautiful, but slightly wacky neighbor (It’s Tea Party troglodyte heaven, seasoned with a large dash of Mormon style fundamentalism.) is considering whether to remove a shield law that allows parents to kill their children by denying them proper medical care because “religion.”

After two children died from lack of medical care because of the parents’ beliefs, the Governor, Butch Otter, ordered a task force to look into the situation.

As you can see from the chart below, Idaho is one of nine states where you can get away with negligent homicide, manslaughter or capital murder because “Big Daddy” told you to do it. It’s also a “get out of jail free” card in Washington, Iowa, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Ohio, West Virginia and Virginia.
(You pull that shit in Oregon and we’ll give you a multi-year vacation at the Iron Bar Inn.)

(Click to enlarge)

(Click to enlarge)

You’ll find a lot more info on the subject at Child Inc.

Last Thursday, (8/9/16) the Idaho legislature held hearings on the matter. Among those testifying, was self-professed “faith healer,” Dan Sevy. (Ever notice that these charlatans are always “self-professed?”) Accompanying Dan were 12 of “God’s groupies” from the cult-like church, “Followers of Christ.”

According to their post in Wikipedia, among the “Followers of Christ” doctrines is “a literal interpretation of scripture, including in the power of faith healing…the use of prayer and laying on of hands by church elders is believed able to cure illness…members of the Followers of Christ refuse all forms of medicine and professional medical care…The church practices shunning of those who violate or challenge church doctrine, including those who seek medical treatment.

In fairness (and more than a little embarrassment) I have to admit that the “Followers of Christ” organization is based in Oregon (with “churches” in a few other states, including Idaho). In fact, they are the reason we have strict laws against this sort of thing.

After several cases of members’ children “gone to meet their maker” a bit early because faith, prayers and laying hands on them didn’t cut it, the Oregon legislature “murdered” the religious exemption unanimously.

Which brings us back to the aforementioned “faith healer” and his attempt to keep Idaho from doing the same.

In his testimony, Sevy stated,

I want to point out that we believe in freedom of health care. Not free health care, but freedom of choice in health care.

Translation (according to church precepts): “We believe in the freedom to deny health care to the sick and dying.”

He continued,

And there’s no greater suffering than one that is personal to oneself, whether it be himself or his children, and I as a parent find the suffering of my children far greater than my own.

At this point, a State Senator, Jeff Siddoway, commented that he is religious (Mormon) and considers medicine one of God’s gifts. (If that’s true, Big Daddy was a few thousand years late in giving it.)

Sevy wasn’t buying that!

We believe that pharmaceuticals and medicine is a product from Satan. Proof can be found in one of the lost books of Enoch.

Equating it with “witchcraft and sorcery,” he continued,

Those who imbibe in those things will not attain a home in heaven…We do disagree with medicine and believe that it puts our very eternal lives in jeopardy…Our goal is eternity, it isn’t here. Our goal is not suffering…If the statute is changed, I’ll not change anything I do.

Btw, Sevy was the father of five children. Only three survived!

Will the task force make any recommendations to the legislature? And, if they do, will the legislature do anything about it?

I wouldn’t be inclined to hold my breath. After all this is the state legislature that passed a law requiring that the bible be part of the curriculum in courses such as law, philosophy, ethics, astronomy, biology, geology, world geography and archaeology. (Fortunately, the governor vetoed the law.)

However, if you think shield laws like this should be dumped in the trash where they belong, there is an online petition to get Idaho to do something about it. You’ll find it here.

Stay tuned!

In the meantime, check out the “faith healer’s” performance below and see how many “rotten tomatoes” you think it deserves.

Photo Credit: Public Domain photograph courtesy of Wikipedia.
Chart courtesy of
Video courtesy of The Idaho Statesman